In Cebu...

My mentor tapped my back and showed me an envelope..."Kid get yourself a vacation...far away from pain...you deserve a break..I will be going to the mountain region..to do some re-connecting with the past and help the young people there...see you labor day..." and so it was a ticket bound for Cebu... 2 weeks with my family, old friends and the hoodlooms that I use to mingle with. It is better in Cebu, I can sigh, I can laugh and I can move freely...maybe because there is the fact that I am at a distance away from him, away from the doubts, away from the pretending, away from the trauma of catching him surfing PR....away from the fact that aside from caring for somebody else's heart by own heart was slowly and painfully wounded...

I thought it was easy as this, free from time to time...but everytime I surf the internet to read some blogs, I am so tempted to create my own PR account and catch him red handed and on site...but who am I fooling, catching a guilty thief just to be hurt inside...thats a stupid move..my mom opened my very old cabinet which I have not touched for years, she took an old 1998 album of Lauren Hill..and then heavens was playing their painful turtor on me again..because while I was thinking of him...the song was "killing me softly" I smiled to the tune while my mother smiled at me with her motherly gesture, she might be thinking that I have recalled my past but in reality....I am recalling of the old days with him

and as the lyrics goes:

"I felt all flushed with fever

Embarrassed by the crowd

I felt he found my letters

And read each one out loud

I prayed that he would finish

But he just kept right on"

I started to feel sad, was I pretending all the time that he loves me? then my mobile phone beeps..it was Sir G:

"My ass hurts, I feel off a 90 degrees slope....the weather is cool in La Trinidad and I will be devouring all the fruits in front of my path...how is Cebu? can you go to my mama's house and tell ma to give you my tool box? I will fix the skateboard...." and then another beep..and it was him: "Hi...miss na kita...when ka uwi? I love you"...and the sequences of confusion went inside my head... a mixture of happiness and sadness, pain and joy..hate and love, doubt and trust..yes I love him... I need him so so much..but there are sometimes how I wish I can give him a taste of his own medicine...

Caught Him Again!

He was inside our room, when I burst in looking for my mobile phone, then I saw him quickly minimizing PR, I pretend not to see. So I did what I have to and pretend that he was just typing his report. I could not help but rush to the other room, take a deep breath and sigh. My mentors was there too debating on how to do the proposal (again for the very big funding from USA). They look at me as if I am going crazy. "Kid, GET OUT!" Sir G screamed, you don't belong here. But my mind was so blank and my feet so numb by the intense confusion inside me. "Bakit ba siya nag PPR? Nandito naman ako...(why is he surfing PR when he knows he has a partner?)"All I can do is stare at the ceiling blankly, "Get Out!" Sir G shove me out the door, "I dunno what your thinking kid but you have to fix your own mess! I have my own bullshit to fix too...so fuck off!" he yelled..

I left the big apartment, walking the streets until I found myself in Roxas Boulevard. But deep within my heart I keep asking "Why?", "Please can anyone clarify me, why? Is it normal for someone with a partner to surf on PR?" Three days ago I found three pieces of condoms in his pockets while it was hanged on the wall, now he placed password in his loptop.....is it time to say "quits"? Is it time to say "Thats it I give up"? or shall I hold on in the hopes that he will succumb back to me? I am so confused right now. I stood at Baywalk, as cars pass me by, I watch the sky and stare at the stars..."Life, why are you so hard to understand? What do you really want from me? I can't understand your signs, and I cant interpret your symbols, when can you show me kindness?"

All I want is to be happy, to love and be loved in return, to give emphasis on how meaningful life is when you have someone to hold on, someone to touch, someone to hug under the full moon night. Someone who corrects your mistakes and kiss you afterwards.....all I want is to be happy...

Preparation for Farewell

Bangkok ,Thailand and Sir G was in the next session hall; I can hear his voice arguing with some "Blue" people. They say that he is like his mentor, factual, tough, vulgar, strong. Anyone who dares to stand in front of him will surely be crushed. But before he went to Bangkok, he went to a clash with the high officers of his job. He feel weak, worthless and numb. I look at him in the midst of the battle, he is not him. The vibrant shadows of his eyes was cold and grey, he could not speak and he just went outside and left. That moment that they slammed the door into his face was the day that the world opened up to him. Many offers was made here and abroad.

3 days before the UNGASS, he got back to himself, he received calls from New York, Myanmar, Bangkok, Tokyo, Brussels, Luxembourg, London.....I could say he is one of the "well known" young minds in the field of public health. I smiled "Aba, sir sikat ah!" (Sir your popular), he stood up and sigh, tapped my back "Kid, I think it is time for me to leave, I am of no use in my country anymore..." and my smiled fade, he was like a brother to me, and the moment he will leave will be the time that I will also stop blogging my life. He is the one who told me that blogging will divert my attention and will relieve my stress. But he promised me that when I stop blogging he will be the one who will start to blog so that the legacy will continue.

"Come" he told me, "I will show you something and pointed to Pasig River...you see kid the only constant thing in this world is change and those who refuse to evolve in the ever changing dynamics of life will be left behind. The world is a big place and that is why we have eyes in front of our heads because we are expected to move forward not backwards. Tomorrow is always uncertain, but it is this uncertainty that we are motivated to go forward. The fear of the unknown is so small compared to the courage of hope to step into the unchartered territories. Do not go to the trail already laid to you but rather walk the path less traveled and make a trail there."

"Where do you plan to go?" I asked him, Sir G just smiled and said "To where I am needed, to where I can contribute and grow. To where the wind and my feet well take me, somewhere...", I rolled my eyes, he is always like that always as mysterious. "Kid, you have a long way to go from now on. Time for you to stand on your two feet, the moment you step there with me to that meeting in Bangkok, is the day you will make foot prints in the pages of history." and walking in the pages of history I did, I went into a debate with other people too.

He told me again "When the world you are staying at is getting smaller and smaller by the day and it becomes more familiar and particular everyday, its the day where you also need to step forward to the unchartered world. There is what we call the time of exploration kid, only settle down when the sky above you becomes blue and the sunrise becomes lovely, otherwise the world has set something for you out there. You already have a place here on this life all you need to do is set on the journey to find that."

The moment Sir G will travel again, I think will be the day that I will start to stop hiding in his shadows, I don't have someone to run now...like he said "I need to grow"....