Ganyan Ba Talaga ang mga Posit?Mga salawahan or sadyang malandi lang?("Are the PLHIV like that?Swingers or just always on the go?")

It has been 5 months, and I have observed his sudden changed of behavior. He hurts me more frequently and he is more moody than ever. He commands me around and gets angry if I dont get things right. I did not expect these changes would come but I know it will come. Then suddenly he changes much, he locks his phone and hides if ever someone texted him. I surfs Planet Romeo more frequently and he chats with "good looking guys" on facebook that makes me loose my self worth. One of my friend advised me to give him the benefits of the doubt, that they may just be his friends. But these came weird and not normal and I am not used to it. But if I truly love him then come what may I should love him. whether he do it with other guys or not. But the other side of me said I should not be a martyr,I should not be blind and I should stand up and ask him if he still have the vibes for me. While the other side says that I should stay firm and let him be him, do whatever he pleases because he loves me and at the end of the day its going ot be me whom he will be seeking in the night.

What hurts me most is his more frequent moods swings.He punches me more often, he is quite becoming unfair. He always judges me while he is there lying on bed, dictating what things I should do or not do. But I cannot leave him behind not because he needs me with his condition but because I need him, like what I said he makes me feel human. I am aware that he is living with HIV and I don't know if it is their nature to be "itchy" and or just two timers. I don't know if it's their nature that they easily get bored. All in all I am loosing my self worth. Is he slowly slipping away from my hold or is my hold to loose for him?

Then came the most painful part: I saw condoms in his bag, but still I did not cast a greater and darker shadow with his actions, because I do not know his motives of carrying the condom. Could he be doing it with another guy? I doubted, "No" I keep it in mind, he loves me and I love him and that's everything that matters to me...but it bothers me inside why he carries the condom, what is his motives? Should I start to worry and ferret him around his daily trips? Will we end up in an open relationship? or will we end in a not so happy ending?... am casting my fears...my fear that even the most wisest of the advice cannot contemplate....I am now casting worries, worries that I might find someone who will take my attention and care away from him, a fear that I might end up with another guy.....my fear of ending the "us" that I wanted to build...What will I do? What will I say?....I am confused and bothered....

Loving Someone (Living with HIV): The Drama Nights (A sequel)

It was midnight, we just got home from Alex's house (Remember dying young? the 18 year old boy living with HIV, we regard him as our mother). We just slept 3 hours during the whole day because we were the organizers of our leadership conference. "I am not feeling well" he said to me, I just ignored his words and thinking its just a fever that would just pass by. I went out to buy us food for our dinner and some medicine to lower down his temperature. He SMS me thrice telling me to get home as quick as I can, but since the dinner was delayed behind the cafeteria kitchen I have to wait for 30 minutes more.

When I went inside the door, I noticed him covered in blanket, "SHIT! your temperature is HIGH!" I said, He shove off my hands and said "Go AWAY! I don't need you". At that moment I panicked, my mind was clouded, I could not think what to do, I called Alex and told me all he need is a dose of medicine. But still I was blinded I don't know what to do the only thing that came into my mind was to hug him real tight, he cried. I can feel his tears flowing on my arms "Why did God do this to me? What have I done wrong?" He asked me. I could not answer his question all I can do was to cry with him. I feel worthless at that moment, I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say:I just cried.

I felt that I am responsible for his miseries because I was not there when he experienced the pain. I hug him real tight and I blame myself for his situation now. I asked God how could he be so cold and unfair. Right there I contested His divinity, to take my life for the life of my partner. Stop his pain for the price of my soul. But no answer, I just cried and wished that if I could only find a way to make him feel better.

But in the course of that painful night I learned one thing, I learn to value that crying is a form of consolation. I learn that to share one's pain is one way to show that you love someone. I learn that pain makes us humans and it makes us realize that we are not perfect, yet it is through pain that we realize that we should strive to live and move forward. Pain is not there to inflict us with sorrow, it is there to make us realize that sometimes we need a little drama to know that we love someone.

Falling Inlove With Someone (Living with HIV), the sequel to falling inlove with someone..

The moment I confirmed he has the condition, I fall to pieces. Yes, I cried hiding from his sight. I cried not because he has the condition, I cried because I was not there to stop him from contracting it, for three days I blamed myself for not being there for him during the first few days of his new life. I wallow, and self pity, but as I look at him living each life every moment I learn to follow him: Live Life to the Fullest. Every night as I lay beside him I tell a little star in the dark sky for a bargain, my life for his life. I am willing to give up my soul just to save his life. In the morning I manage to wake up before him to see the sunlight reflects on his white skin. A beautiful glow from a magnificent creature, far more gallant than the unicorn, far more majestic than the phoenix, yet far more delicate than the petal of the rarest orchid.

I know the consequence of loving him, I know the ignorance of the society around us will try to tear what we have. That is why I need to stand not for him but for us. I need to defend not only his rights but our rights as one person. Yes, I will experience many persecution from the community around me, but I pity them for they do not understand the magic that binds me and him as one. This is the force that will protect as, as long as I am holding his hands and as long as he is holding mine, I will urge him to walk with me to the horizon. I will shield him along the way, I will shield him against the pointing fingers, I will protect him form the belittling words, I will stand up for us. Yes, the odds maybe great yet I know that with "us" together, we can turn the tides around. Remember how small was Daniel when he toppled down the titan Goliath.

In the battle of our ancestors there is one thing that I learn: "Move forward against the odds, for if you already know that odds are against you then you have the greatest chance of preparing for battle". There is hope, it is the greatest gift that the heavens have blessed men. We need to use it well, for if all things fail only hope can give us the gift of sanity and the courage to face tomorrow. In the process of my life when I confirmed his condition, I learn to value every moment of us being together, I learn to accept the blessings of what love can offer every second. As I close my eyes as he kisses me, as his soft wet lips patted my barren dry lips, I can feel the sensation of happiness. So much happiness I can't help but to shed a little tear. The world seems to stop!

I learn to appreciate life because of him, how laughter heals sickness, how silence can tell so much about us being together, how a simple holding of a hand can make a difference in this cold and harsh world. He made me feel human, he made me feel alive. Alive more than before...But most of all I treasure how we valued each other not only as a human being but as creation of the universe that needs to love and be loved in return.

To you my dear partner "I LOVE YOU..."

Falling in love with someone (Part 1)

It is quite difficult to fall in love again and it is more difficult to prove your love, especially if you have a history of hitting then running. But when you meet this person which gives you butterflies in the stomach, all the madness in the world seems to stop and all the logic and rationalism seems to freeze with time. You simply cant help but to be with him all the moment. A date, a lunch,a dinner or just a simple conversation which feels like a momentary bliss which seems to halt time for a million decades but seems to pass by so swiftly like a half of a second. But that does not matter, because you feel like a human being around him no matter how many dozen punches, slaps and pinches you absorb from him it's okay because you know you make him feel happy and you can smile in his own little masochistic manners.

Yes, such is the curse of love you will crave for more until it will choke you to death. Like the little creatures in happy tree friends, it will wriggle out of you and then slice you to thin tidbits. But I will not mind and I will not feel bad about it since from the contemplation of love all seems to soften even the roaring heart of a dragon. Yes, he got me straight in the heart, like a hot water being mix with a hard ready to cook noodle. But there is more to love than making love they say, it is more of knowing each other and compromise with each other's failures and weaknesses, for in the this circus called love there is only one basic rule: to love and be loved in return, to confess your emotions and transform it into actions, to profess you heart and sacrifice it on your open hands without a fear of being hurt because you trust him to take care of it.

Love is not about being a slut neither it is about bitching around, it is not about lust, love is not about gaining benefits or about having a profitable income at the end but it is about sharing what you have and what he is willing to share. Neither of you has the right to gain or to loose because both of you does not move or breath or live as separate individuals but as a single entity working hand in hand as one.

Love too has the uncertainties, but these are challenges one needs to face for without it how can love grow? How will love mature without trials and tribulations? What matters is not upon the problem that you are facing but on how you face the problems and pave way to a solution that neither one of you will sacrifice to let go.

As for me Love is in the air and I am willing to risk the pointing fingers of the naive public, as for you what more can I say but I am willing to wait for that sweet "yes" from you.

Sex Maniac (Frenzy: www.youthaidsfilipinasalliance.org)

I wake up every week days early in the morning. In my little hut that barely fits the definition of a home. I give my mom a morning greetings and get myself ready for school. Every break time I go to the library, read the daily news and then I do advance studies. After school i rush for my work then at the end of the day I go home and finish my study before I lay on the small bed mat peacefully placed in the floor. Such is the routine I do every weekdays. I am diligent, industrious and a responsible son. Barely even having the stains of vices, I rarely drink, I never smoke and I abhor drugs.

But when 12:00 A.M of Saturday strikes, I rush to go on chat, open my friends listing account, and for countless hours i stay there and wait, like a hungry wolf prowling for a victim. I wait and wait. Then suddenly, the IM buzzes and My day begins with a sequence of lustful pleasure. Sequences of hook-ups, girls, boys, lesbians, people younger than me and people older than me. Flesh to flesh with no protection, naked and bare, sweaty and steaming. The friction and heat of the body contacts makes my body yearn for more. MY insatiable appetite for sex as sheer pleasure cannot be quenched. I yearn for it and I hunger for more.

Finding a partner is not hard for me, because having the the looks and the body makes me a good candidate for a commitment free one night stands. And that is the other face of my pesona that only my sex partners know, the boy that is good only in sex. Yet deep inside, I know it is wrong, I know it is dangerous and I know I am at risk but still I pursue to feed my hunger for flesh.

At the eve of Sunday, as I walk home, I know I have done something wrong. But the other side of me is fulfilled, i have completed a weekend of "fun" as so my evil entity defined it. Yes, I am a sex maniac, I am a cheater and a player. I use people for pleasure. As I grow older, I began to lessen this habit but still I go on hook-ups once in every blue moon, still bare and still naked.

But every after the climax of my evil act I have committed again to the will of the evil inside me, and consciously I know its wrong, its all wrong! I wanted to quit but it has become a habit. Sex gives me a place of refuge, it gives me comfort, and yes the wrong sense of belonging, the sense that gives me the wrong impulses that I am wanted, that I have a value, a wrong sense that I have a friend and I am a human being.

Trust me, its hard to wake up in the evenings thinking that my life is at risk, even if the realizations I have are making a moral consciousness inside me, I just cant quit. I realized I need help, even more than before. Fear, anger and guilt have consumed me and instead of making me stop, it feeds my hunger to have more. I start to shy away from society, to think that I am unclean and different, that I manifested the lowly beast trapped inside a human body.

I need help, I realize I need a friend who can share with me, a friend who does not only want me for sex but a friend who can really hit me when I do something wrong, a friend who can correct me and a friend who understands. Right now, I want myself to be tested for the disease I want to be tested, I need to be tested, I have a social responsibility to protect the people around me, so I am knocking at your hearts, to spare me from the painful judgment and the pointing of fingers, spare me from the painful scrutinies, Please help me, I am just one part of a bigger community who live their life with the insatiable hunger for sex, because we are so consumed by the wrong impulses we attained from doing it

Red Light Night In Manila

When I first landed in Manila, I asked my friend "Where is the red light district here?" He gave me a smirked and by the look of his face I know he has no idea where....He told me places like gateway in which he coined as "GAY-WAY". I laughed at his words knowing that gays will flock there at night like hungry little birds tweeting for food!, but anyhow I will soon going to visit the legendary "GAY-WAY" just to see whats around there. My first night in Manila was rough! It was all different, and in Tondo and Quiapo, everyone was very tough to handle. After all I am not established here yet, unlike in Cebu where mobs, goons, mafias and gangs recognizes me as the "Kubyerta" (a gang term for "Mediator"-a middle ranked negotiator who is privileged to obtain mob immunity-no one can harm me except the leaders of the group) but here in Manila everything is a different story, I am no kubyerta here and the immunity I obtain in central Visayas is not applicable in Luzon, a Mafia rule termed as Inpluwensya "the code of geographical influence".

It was near late evening and I was walking near SM Manila, just below the Central Station LRT, I noticed a flock of girls. The way they look at me was very familiar, the way female sex worker looked at me back in Cebu. So I shoved my curiosity off and started to walk towards them. I met Annie, she is 18 and she is a free lance sex trader in Manila, She told me it's her first time in Central Station and she finds it tough to find a customer here. Unlike Subic, she said. I can have a "buyer" in every corner of the alley. I told her I came from Cebu and I asked here what it is like to be a "pok pok" in Manila.

"Ang Hirap!"(so difficult) she told me, "Ginagawa ko lang to para may makakain kami" (I am [just] doing this to feed my family). A story that is not uncommon to my ear. "How old are you when you got sex trading?" I asked "Ano po?" she replied, and there I know that she is slow in English so I need to translate it in tagalog, the problem is I am not good in tagalog. She told me she started at the age of 15, again it was not uncommon to me, I met girls as young as 7 years old in Cebu giving sex to old foreign guys.

I can read her motifs, she is zero that night and no customers. "Mahirap sa Manila, may curfew dito at stricto ang mga police sa amin, minsan nga dinadakip kami para makalabas kami hinahayaan nalang namin na magsex kami para makalaya kami. I raised my eye brows and said "really?!, Pag nakilala ko mga gagong yun, makikita nila pano magalit mga Cebuano!" to give here comfort. It was near 10:00 p.m and I said to her I must go to my boarding house, I asked her if she will be here the next night, she told me "Hindi [kami], nagiistambay ng isang lugar, dapat kami palipat lipat para makakuha ng daddy...wala kasi kaming mamasan na nagmamanage sa amin..." I laughed at her statement though I know she said it seriously, so I went on to find a jeep home...I looked at her heavy burdened face that manages to give me a smile, "Sana kuya magkita tayo uli sa panahon na nakakaahon na ako sa buhay para mapakilala ako uli sayo hindi bilang isang pokpok" she said, and I replied " Magkikita tayo, Pohon"(A mistake that confirmed my Cebuano Ethnicity).......and I know that night is the start of my new misadventures here in Manila. And I am expecting colorful happenings to come!

Cebu Prostitution is Getting Younger

Insomnia struck me again, as I browse through the local channels. I so happen to pass at a documentary by Kara David and her fellow research journalist. It was about taxi service, of young girls, boys and gays giving sex service to taxi drivers or to any customer. I was heart broken, to see young children willing to sell their body for money. What was more shocking was when a young gay prostitute at the age of 11 commented in an unclear manner:"mas limpyo man kuno ang mga bayot walay sakit, mga babae hugaw daw, kanang HIV bah..." as he innocently tapped his lips indicating blow jobs are safer
When he commented this I jaw dropped, I speculated that he have the false notion oral sex is safe.
What was more shocking was when I saw an 11 year old girl and an 11 year old gay prostitute in action of searching for what they call "prospects". I was heart broken. I could not imagine that I, a Cebuano citizen, have over passed to see this activity when in fact I myself also walk the nightly corners of the street to pass away my sleeplessness. As I walked through the ghastly corners of Capitol and Escario, as I stride through Junquera, filled with pimps, As I gazed along the robber infested streets of colon, the lively flea market in Jones and the unsleepy market of Carbon. I never expected that I these little children that plays the murderous lonely streets of the night was selling their body, I see them laugh, I see them jump and chase each other, I see them shout on the street as if the world is theirs. Yet behind their laughter is a sad face hidden. As the documentary goes on, every details of the story hit me like a hard stone. I said to myself:"This happens not because the government has no actions to stop this, but because people like me have allowed this to happen"

Children not at peace in their home, children of hungry mouths, children of poverty. At first i was so convinced that I have no power to change the already existing facts, but then again as I look at the mirror and imagined myself in their situation, it would be a hard struggle. These children are in a battle, and every night as they stroll on the street, waving for costumers, they never realize that they are slowly loosing the cruel war. I want to save them, I want to help them, I want them to be as children. I agree to what Kara David said , Sinulog is not just a celebration of Sto. Nino but it is a celebration showing how important little children are to God.

After the documentary, I quickly dressed myself up and walked through the lonely nights. And indeed it was true, little boys, girls and gays on the street waiting to be picked up. I stand there helpless, watching these little kids and worried. I just placed my hands inside my pockets hoping they wont be the next victims of the cruel and unfair business they are in, as i turned back to walk a long way home, I saw in front of me a little girl sleeping at the corner of the street, a taxi stopped in front of her, she woke up and quickly ran into the taxi. A few old men laugh at the side as they try to savor the last drop of the gin they are drinking, I looked them in thier eyes, and in my mind I hope they realize that what just happened is not a laughing matter.

for more information about the I-witness documentary by Kara David please watch the link below: (Taxi Serbis)

I watch this sad documentray, I already arranged them in order:
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFEUz1pAWdA
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hc02TyyP9Qg&feature=related
3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khRHDy4IODA&feature=related