The Baby in the Sky

Mentor

Gerard Lecturing Risk and Vulnerability Factors

Gerard in Laos PDR with Fellow TWG

Gerard in His Global Fund Lecture

To the Stomach and not the Brain

"Okay kids, good job...well done...well done indeed" He tapped our back one by one pointed to the powerpoint presentation and started to discuss the theoretical aspects of our activities. He folded , his arm and asked us "Okay kids, what can you infer from your observation of the bar graph?" He points his finger to a gender vs. HIV prevalence per country bar graph....he walks to one of my classmates and said, remember this kids "Know your epidemic and know your response." the best way to plan against an infection is to work with the people who plays with the infection.

Sir Gerard is one of those people who rings a bell in this side of the town, he has met people from the UN, went to other countries to sit down with other big asses. He helps in planning strategies for global health in communicable diseases and although he is an engineer by profession, he loves his work in public health. But there is one particular lesson that I want to share. last night my TG friend got drunk and sober from the overflowing vodka after the training. "I hate myself" she cried and sobbed, "I don't know what to do." Sir Gerard rolled his eyes and took his notes, and the usual thing he does when he counsel young people, he chats down notes and then asked a series of questions that makes people realize something....

"I am broken, so broken..." She said

"If you are broken, how can you build yourself up?" Gerard replied

"I don't know Gerard, I don't know...I feel like I am wasting myself..."She replied

"How did you know that you waste yourself?" Gerard Asked again

"Damn you Gerard for your direct questions, damn you..." She said

"You see kid, people are like apples, those that are good are up the top portion of the tree, they are hard to harvest, but once the apple picker got them, he knows he can sell them at an expensive price, while there are apples that are not so good and you can find them below the tree and some of them fall to the ground, the apple picker ignores them because he knows that they can be sold at a cheaper value. So which kind of apple are you?" Gerard Asked her

She cried and sobbed and cried even more, "Okay kids" Gerard said to us "If you are in this situation, what is the best way to do to knock out a sober friend?". He took a bottle of vodka placed it in front of our sobbing friend and said "The best way to knock a drunk person is to let him drink more of the alcohol until he looses consciousness" He smiled..."Next time kids remember this....alcohols are made for the stomach and place them to the stomach and not your brain...Because you can never find self value and you can never solve problems just by drinking vodka alone!"

Valentine's War

Valentine's is not always sweet and cuddly to me these days seems I feel like the reverse of the song:stupid cupid has stopped picking on me, well I think after 1 year of being us... I have a strong feeling that the end is not far from sight, I hate to conclude though. I really am so confused why I gave him the blessing of an open relationship. Feb. 14, 2011 began with a blast of nasty words "Tanga ka talaga (your stupid)". I yelled at him, "Oo tanga ako masaya ka na?! (Yes, I am stupid, happy now?!", "Oo masaya ako na alam mong tanga ka! (yes, I'm happy to know that you know your stupid!)". But deep inside I am also cut, anger driven words from my month, I could not take it any longer, I was like a volcano erupting.

I can protect him from the people around him and defend him at the cost of my life but I realize I cannot protect him from myself. The horror of the things I said left a scar in both of our hearts, I was so guilty why I even shouted those words in the first place. So I was thinking, shall I stay or is it time to let go? Is my hold too loose? I am confused and lost, I love him but something inside me said you have to let go. Damn its quite difficult to be in this situation. What if I will cheat as well? Just to get even? That does not make me a better human being, just because he flaunts on PR and FB does not mean I shout flaunt as well to get even, I am not him and he is not me.

My patience is getting thinner and thinner, I don't know if I can survive this cat and mouse game, I don't know if we are true to each other or just playing pretend. Honestly, I don't want to throw away our 1 year of existence as us, but I should face the facts that no matter how hard you try not to let each other fall, no matter how strong your hold to each other, there are just instances that letting go and falling down is simply and the only way to move on, even if you know that the fall will be hard and the injuries sustained will be great, but for the sake of happiness, sometimes letting go and falling down is the only option then after a long fall and putting up together the broken pieces you will not regain your old self but a new one.

Ironic, we are in a heated fight and we pretend we don't see each other, but we sleep on the same bed, no more hugging though, only our backs face each other. He takes some short glimpses of me, while I take long stares at him. I am really confused...really....why does loving someone can get so complicated as this

There is More to Love than Making Love

(I found this manuscript in English in 2008 but I saw a diary written in Cebuano dated back 1998 of the same title and the same translation. On the lower right corner of the page I saw: To C.M. I am sorry, and I love you...rest in peace...~Geh)

I am the beast who fell for your beauty, the guy who beats your freaking geek boyfriend because I am jealous to know he screw you at night then talks about it at the locker room with his other geeky friends, I do this because I want to protect you because it hurts me when I hear him say things that you want him because of sex. I know I am just a nobody to you but you know I am happy and I am satisfied that I have loved you even from afar, to see you smile and eat your sandwiches, the way you carry your red lunch box and the purple tie you have along with your pony tail. Do you know, I still have to rush to your school just to see you during our snack time? I am wondering what if we grow old together?

But if I were to ask you if you were still standing here with me, what are the things that makes your LOVE memorable? Was it the sex? Was it the torrid kiss? Was it the long years of being together with him? The countless new years, the countless Christmas? The countless birthdays he spent with you? Was all this worthed for you to give to him yourself? He is cheating on you God Damn it! He is fucking cheating on you! Look at some parents after 25 years of the so called happy marriage they still end up splitting because they are both pretending to be happy for the past 23 years when in fact they are not, both of them denies the fact that one of them is cheating on the other. You think that the 6 years from 1992 to 1998, this geek spent with you he still loves you the way you perceive him to love you?

I wanted you to know that if I was him, I will show you that there is more to love than making love. There is more to love than the friction of our bodies, there is more to love than the kisses at night, there is more to love than the soft whispers of "I love you" every time you come home from a tiring day. There is more to love than the beauty of your face, there is more to love than the radiant glow of the sun on your skin, there is more to love than saving other else's life in the expense of your own life. People may think I don't understand love because I am mean, because I am a bully and because I am a rule breaker. Yes I do, and it is not about the sex, it is about the companionship. Love is not all about me or you but about us, it is not about how you help me or how I help you it is all about how we help each other. But it is too late now, honestly, I ask myself why so early? We could have been friends, being friends was enough for me to keep you safe and away form harm.

I am now standing in front of your grave, holding this letter. I was wondering why I did not saw you for months, it is January now and next month is JS Prom. Your teacher told me you were struck by a backing car after saving a kindergarten and your father came in late to help, I just call him uncle by the way, he asked me my name I told him I'm Mark, your geek boyfriend's brother. I still have to hang your boyfriend and flush his face into the toilet for not helping you and just screaming like a sissy girl while that fucking driver killed you.

I will miss you so much, even if you don't know my name. I will miss your giggles, I will miss how you unpack your sandwich from your red lunch box. I will miss the times to come where we could have known each other. I don't want to say goodbye but I have to, you run to a place where I cannot follow you anymore. you used to stay at the Mormon's Church near my school but not anymore, you are playing with the angels now, too bad I am not an angel and my father said I can never become one. So I will just stay here on earth and watch you up there tonight, dancing among the stars.But may I ask something? What if I told God to take me instead of you? If I was there and saved both of you and died would you love me instead of him?

Taken from:

"Para Sa Akong Hinigugma (For My Love~1998)"

by Sir Gerard

The Hunk, The Model, and the Cute

I was there sitting in a coffee shop, amidst the Pradas, the Havaianas, the Lacost, the Luis Vuitton. In the seas of loptops: Apple Mach, HP, Dell, Sony, Samsung and Acer and amidst the good looking people there I was sitting in my slippers with feet so dirty, a sweat-drenched t-shirt, a hair like I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. The security looked at me as if I am an alien or a thief, while the bartender looked at me strangely as if I am a clown from a circus visited by Ondoy. Anyway, just before me are three guys. A hunk with a buff chest and big arms, and abs like breads and at his right was a cute guy who keeps on smiling his blood red lips that matches his super white tone and a small chinky eyes and to the left was a model, lean and sporty and I know I saw him in a billboard somewhere.

The physique, the "IT" and the hotness oozing among the three guys, the brands that they wear, the gadgets that they own..eye catching...head turner....fire starters...girls giggle as they pass by and gays act like they want to catch their attention. I smile as I watch the public's reaction. I wonder why people are into the abs....the skin...the chest..the body...the face...I was thinking if my partner will go back to the gym, if he goes to his usual routine of visiting his dermatologist twice a month and will be more hotter than them, he will turn out to be my object for decoration. I will display him around as we hang out in coffee shops, people will be jealous and say I am lucky and he will be the object of desire and I will be the object of envy. But I don't want to have an object for display...because that would be my Gundam Collections I took from my classmate after wacking him with the arm chair way back in high school.

But then again, with a super hot, jaw dropping, sex appeal oozing partner I will be the most suspicious man in the world because I know there are swarm of piranhas behind us waiting for that single mistake; then they will devour our relationship with deception and lies so that they can have my partner for themselves, like a small piece of meat thrown into a pack of hungry wolves. I would be a hypocrite if I say I don't appreciate a well managed body complete with the abs, the chest and the biceps. But I can appreciate someone even more who can blend to my chemistry, someone who knows that the best way to my heart is through my stomach....they can have the body and the sex appeal, they can have the hot man all they need to do is to leave me a person who is a real human (not a man but a human) and not someone who will float when I throw him to the sea.

I love my hubby now, I hug him at night...I hug him while he surfs his PR account, I mess around with the boys who flirts with him and leave them sleeping on the street with a loose tooth. I intentionally turn off the main electricity when I see him watch porn...yes I love my partner...I squeeze him tight...and he squeezes me even tighter with his muscular biceps until I turn blue due to suffocation...yup I love him not only because his hot, or he has the "it" factor...I love him because he makes me feel human.....

I will not Date You on Valentine's Day

Why in the world should I date you on Feb. 14? After the things you did to me your expecting me to date you outside? I saw you surfing planet romeo, I hear your mobile phone beep at the wee hours of the night, I saw you chatting with those guys on your FB account and still you have the guts to expect that I will date you on Feb. 14?! Hell NO!

Hell NO! Because I will not go out with you! The streets will just be full of traffic and both of us will just end up inside a bus that is also a ticking time bomb and waiting to explode any moment. You well just find me picking my nose in front of you again and then I know what will happen next, you will slap my face because I don't have manners.

Hell NO! Because the streets will be full of lovers and singles. Idiots who think that Valentine's day is the only day in the 365 days cycle to date someone and have sex afterwards. Because there are a lot of singles out there who are also celebrating "Single Awareness Day!". And there will be those "emos" in their black dresses pretending to be sad just to get the pulic's attention.

Hell NO! Because it is expensive to date outside and I just want to be with you here at the comforts of our bed. Because I want to keep you away from the public and all for myself. Because I want to cook with you our favorite pasta. Drink Soda and eat popcorns.

Hell NO! Because I want to have a movie marathon with you, and pamper you when the movie gets so cheesy and hide behind your back when the movie gets too scary.

Hell NO! because your still stuck up in my mind even if you surf planet romeo or watch porn movies...

Hell NO! Because I want you here with me....

Thats the reason why I don't want to date you on Feb 14!

The Value of Life

As I was looking at the night sky with countless dazzling stars, I began to contemplate on my value, as I lost my consciousness in the vast empty space before me, I began to ask: "Who am I?.... Why am I here?...... What am I for?...... What is life?....... What is the value of life?........ Where am I going?..... All of us are walking a journey, on a path unknown leading us to a place that is based on the choices that we choose, on the options that we tend to follow and on the decisions that we tend to make."

"Life is human, life is tangible, life is emotions, life is change. Life is a gradual process of growth, a cycle of birth, degeneration and death. But what is life to those who seek the material wealth of living? What is life to those who seek vanity? What is life to those who seek wisdom? What is life to those who serve for the common good? What is life to you?"

"If life then is happiness, how do you define happiness? Is it the satisfaction of the hunger that you have? Is it the contentment that fills an empty heart? Or is it the fulfillment of a day's work? Is it the to have and to hold the things that you yearn for? Is it the love that you found? There is more mystery to life, more than the birth of a newborn or the death of the old. The universe is a wide expansion of space in which we are but a speck of dust. The mechanics of life is more than the daily routine, it is more than the stretch of a smile, the laugh of a friend, the hug of a loved one. The dynamics of life is more than just a competition for a living, more than the survival of the fittest. Because the main mechanics of life and the dynamics in which we are all bound and the main essence of living is the pursuit of happiness.

Life is a constant struggle of doubts and trusts, of night and day, of good and evil. But these struggles only comes to be because we are in a pursuit of the things that we desire, the things that we need and the things that we want. However, two sides compliments each other. We can never yearn peace if we don't experience war, we can never value life if we never experience loss and we will never seek happiness if we never felt sadness. We do not realize that we are the masters of our own desires, we contemplate on what we need or what we want and we seek on a series of processes to turn what we contemplate on into a reality. We need love so we seek love, we feel sad so we seek happiness, we have satisfaction so we want more. Life is a mystery only to be uncovered by the person who seeks to solve the mystery of being alive, to calm the uproars of the soul, to heal a wounded heart, to serve, to help, to lead, to contemplate. Many people complain that life is full of tears, full of sorrows and full of sadness but they do not know that they are the ones who dictate the course of their own life. I am sad because I choose to be sad, because I feel the emptiness in my heart and seeks to fell the void within. You are happy because you choose to be happy, to love even if that same amount of love is not reciprocated back to you. You offer your heart in an open hand.

But for the rest, who are bewildered by the madness of daily living, they have failed to see the joys in simple things. Some people become bitter when they know they have lost a loved one, some resort to self destruction, greed and lust to feel accepted but we cannot blame them for they too have the limitations, but they think these limitations can be filled by the material world only to find out that the only way to cure self worthlessness is to find out your worth, to regain your life is simply to determine your value, as a child of the universe. Remember this: no one is greater and lesser than we are, for each of us has a story rightful in the pages of time and worthy to be listened to. In the dynamics of the universe there is no such thing as poor or wealthy, benevolent or malevolent, high or low but there is only self worth, the value of your life is not based upon your material success or the tangible rewards because the true value of life is based upon how happy you are of the result.

Find your self worth and you will find your self, you can begin to walk on your journey to the path to where you want to be, for happiness is never the journey but the destination. Whatever the result is as long as it will make you and the people around you to be happy, as long as it benefits not only yourself but the whole universe then do it, because the pursuit of happiness is a road less understood and a path less taken"

Now going back to where I was, my soul came back to my body and found myself holding a cup waiting for the coffee seeds to be brewed..... Oh my goodness I feel like I am the reincarnation of Paracelsus!

Taken from:
"The Essence of Being Human"
by Gerard D. Ompad
(A simpleton, a mentor, a geek...always misunderstood)

For an Open or Close Relationship

Well, I wont complain or even bother to think why my partner is scanning his "PR" account. When we were in Bangkok with some of our friends for the training and some "vacation" I told him he can hook surf his account and hook up with other guys but I only need to promise me one thing, he should do it with protection and he should sleep before 12:00 am, in that way he wont be stressed and keep his count perfect. The moment I told him I gave him my blessing to hook up he got mad, and I wonder why. Is he made because he is guilty I caught him surfing "PR" and guilty that I gave him permission to hook up with other guys or is he mad because what I perceived him to be is not true.

But what he does not know is that I understand him and I understand that in this kind of relationship, either one of the party or both will have a tendency to play around. But for me, after 1 year of having him all I can say is I simply cant let go because my heart has its own reasons in which my reasons cannot know. He can play around, he can have fun all I want from him is that after the day he comes back home to me, I don't care if I am something common in his sight all I care is that I have a special part in his heart.

I am sick of telling people not to do this and not to do that, if he is happy with what he is doing then I am there to support, why should I be angry in the first place when in the beginning I chose him over the others. I am not a martyr, I am just facing reality that human as we are, we still belong to the kingdom of animals equipped with the libido. I am sick and tired of the cyclic act of revenge, I could shot all the people whom he sleeps with with a bullet on the head but I rather not.

But I am angry of myself, I am so angry because I cannot stand up to him in times where there is someone in his mind, if I can only dare to walk naked in front of him when he is thinking of somebody else, sometimes I ask myself, is it my responsibility to have sex with him so that I can keep him for myself? My morals are slowly degrading, I feel angry at myself and I don't know why, is it because I can't face the reality or is it because I am starting to feel insecure.