I can protect him from the people around him and defend him at the cost of my life but I realize I cannot protect him from myself. The horror of the things I said left a scar in both of our hearts, I was so guilty why I even shouted those words in the first place. So I was thinking, shall I stay or is it time to let go? Is my hold too loose? I am confused and lost, I love him but something inside me said you have to let go. Damn its quite difficult to be in this situation. What if I will cheat as well? Just to get even? That does not make me a better human being, just because he flaunts on PR and FB does not mean I shout flaunt as well to get even, I am not him and he is not me.
My patience is getting thinner and thinner, I don't know if I can survive this cat and mouse game, I don't know if we are true to each other or just playing pretend. Honestly, I don't want to throw away our 1 year of existence as us, but I should face the facts that no matter how hard you try not to let each other fall, no matter how strong your hold to each other, there are just instances that letting go and falling down is simply and the only way to move on, even if you know that the fall will be hard and the injuries sustained will be great, but for the sake of happiness, sometimes letting go and falling down is the only option then after a long fall and putting up together the broken pieces you will not regain your old self but a new one.
Ironic, we are in a heated fight and we pretend we don't see each other, but we sleep on the same bed, no more hugging though, only our backs face each other. He takes some short glimpses of me, while I take long stares at him. I am really confused...really....why does loving someone can get so complicated as this
I really had to hurry reading the rest of this post after I read "What if I will cheat as well? Just to get even?"
ReplyDeleteStop. Hold it right there.
Frenzy, I have been to that point of confusion, bordering to anger that I can't seem to find more reason to try to understand the actions and behavior of my partner.
What if...
You can't truly understand why some people cheat unless you have crossed the line yourself. This is one lesson I had to learn the hard way. I hope, that in the time you feel sooo tempted to do such, Gerard would be there to counsel you. It's just not worth destroying who you are because you feel so angry.
It is not worth it.
The next day, you look at the mirror and you don't see a good person. It takes away your peace of mind. You might lose a few restful nights.
The thing is, it never stops at one time. I thought I promised that to myself. Never will I do it again... he doesn't have to know about it. But once you reach another breaking point, you might tend to do it repeatedly until it becomes so normal to you and you're actually numbed.
There is no other better form of revenge than a life well lived.
I very much admire your loyalty to your partner Frenzy. He may not be able to realize how lucky he is to have you on his side despite his condition. A friend of mine, abandoned the love of his life after learning about it.
Also, I don't think it really has to be complicated. I just want it to be you and me, nobody else. I think everyone wants it to be as simple as that.
Thanks seth,
ReplyDeleteHahahahah with regards to Gerard, will lets just say his my "other half"....I always tell myself that there are two sides of the coin...I am one of the side and he is the other side.....yeah there are instances that runs into my mind...what if I will do that too? But I have no guts to do it..No guts at all...