The Hunk, The Model, and the Cute

I was there sitting in a coffee shop, amidst the Pradas, the Havaianas, the Lacost, the Luis Vuitton. In the seas of loptops: Apple Mach, HP, Dell, Sony, Samsung and Acer and amidst the good looking people there I was sitting in my slippers with feet so dirty, a sweat-drenched t-shirt, a hair like I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. The security looked at me as if I am an alien or a thief, while the bartender looked at me strangely as if I am a clown from a circus visited by Ondoy. Anyway, just before me are three guys. A hunk with a buff chest and big arms, and abs like breads and at his right was a cute guy who keeps on smiling his blood red lips that matches his super white tone and a small chinky eyes and to the left was a model, lean and sporty and I know I saw him in a billboard somewhere.

The physique, the "IT" and the hotness oozing among the three guys, the brands that they wear, the gadgets that they own..eye catching...head turner....fire starters...girls giggle as they pass by and gays act like they want to catch their attention. I smile as I watch the public's reaction. I wonder why people are into the abs....the skin...the chest..the body...the face...I was thinking if my partner will go back to the gym, if he goes to his usual routine of visiting his dermatologist twice a month and will be more hotter than them, he will turn out to be my object for decoration. I will display him around as we hang out in coffee shops, people will be jealous and say I am lucky and he will be the object of desire and I will be the object of envy. But I don't want to have an object for display...because that would be my Gundam Collections I took from my classmate after wacking him with the arm chair way back in high school.

But then again, with a super hot, jaw dropping, sex appeal oozing partner I will be the most suspicious man in the world because I know there are swarm of piranhas behind us waiting for that single mistake; then they will devour our relationship with deception and lies so that they can have my partner for themselves, like a small piece of meat thrown into a pack of hungry wolves. I would be a hypocrite if I say I don't appreciate a well managed body complete with the abs, the chest and the biceps. But I can appreciate someone even more who can blend to my chemistry, someone who knows that the best way to my heart is through my stomach....they can have the body and the sex appeal, they can have the hot man all they need to do is to leave me a person who is a real human (not a man but a human) and not someone who will float when I throw him to the sea.

I love my hubby now, I hug him at night...I hug him while he surfs his PR account, I mess around with the boys who flirts with him and leave them sleeping on the street with a loose tooth. I intentionally turn off the main electricity when I see him watch porn...yes I love my partner...I squeeze him tight...and he squeezes me even tighter with his muscular biceps until I turn blue due to suffocation...yup I love him not only because his hot, or he has the "it" factor...I love him because he makes me feel human.....

I will not Date You on Valentine's Day

Why in the world should I date you on Feb. 14? After the things you did to me your expecting me to date you outside? I saw you surfing planet romeo, I hear your mobile phone beep at the wee hours of the night, I saw you chatting with those guys on your FB account and still you have the guts to expect that I will date you on Feb. 14?! Hell NO!

Hell NO! Because I will not go out with you! The streets will just be full of traffic and both of us will just end up inside a bus that is also a ticking time bomb and waiting to explode any moment. You well just find me picking my nose in front of you again and then I know what will happen next, you will slap my face because I don't have manners.

Hell NO! Because the streets will be full of lovers and singles. Idiots who think that Valentine's day is the only day in the 365 days cycle to date someone and have sex afterwards. Because there are a lot of singles out there who are also celebrating "Single Awareness Day!". And there will be those "emos" in their black dresses pretending to be sad just to get the pulic's attention.

Hell NO! Because it is expensive to date outside and I just want to be with you here at the comforts of our bed. Because I want to keep you away from the public and all for myself. Because I want to cook with you our favorite pasta. Drink Soda and eat popcorns.

Hell NO! Because I want to have a movie marathon with you, and pamper you when the movie gets so cheesy and hide behind your back when the movie gets too scary.

Hell NO! because your still stuck up in my mind even if you surf planet romeo or watch porn movies...

Hell NO! Because I want you here with me....

Thats the reason why I don't want to date you on Feb 14!

The Value of Life

As I was looking at the night sky with countless dazzling stars, I began to contemplate on my value, as I lost my consciousness in the vast empty space before me, I began to ask: "Who am I?.... Why am I here?...... What am I for?...... What is life?....... What is the value of life?........ Where am I going?..... All of us are walking a journey, on a path unknown leading us to a place that is based on the choices that we choose, on the options that we tend to follow and on the decisions that we tend to make."

"Life is human, life is tangible, life is emotions, life is change. Life is a gradual process of growth, a cycle of birth, degeneration and death. But what is life to those who seek the material wealth of living? What is life to those who seek vanity? What is life to those who seek wisdom? What is life to those who serve for the common good? What is life to you?"

"If life then is happiness, how do you define happiness? Is it the satisfaction of the hunger that you have? Is it the contentment that fills an empty heart? Or is it the fulfillment of a day's work? Is it the to have and to hold the things that you yearn for? Is it the love that you found? There is more mystery to life, more than the birth of a newborn or the death of the old. The universe is a wide expansion of space in which we are but a speck of dust. The mechanics of life is more than the daily routine, it is more than the stretch of a smile, the laugh of a friend, the hug of a loved one. The dynamics of life is more than just a competition for a living, more than the survival of the fittest. Because the main mechanics of life and the dynamics in which we are all bound and the main essence of living is the pursuit of happiness.

Life is a constant struggle of doubts and trusts, of night and day, of good and evil. But these struggles only comes to be because we are in a pursuit of the things that we desire, the things that we need and the things that we want. However, two sides compliments each other. We can never yearn peace if we don't experience war, we can never value life if we never experience loss and we will never seek happiness if we never felt sadness. We do not realize that we are the masters of our own desires, we contemplate on what we need or what we want and we seek on a series of processes to turn what we contemplate on into a reality. We need love so we seek love, we feel sad so we seek happiness, we have satisfaction so we want more. Life is a mystery only to be uncovered by the person who seeks to solve the mystery of being alive, to calm the uproars of the soul, to heal a wounded heart, to serve, to help, to lead, to contemplate. Many people complain that life is full of tears, full of sorrows and full of sadness but they do not know that they are the ones who dictate the course of their own life. I am sad because I choose to be sad, because I feel the emptiness in my heart and seeks to fell the void within. You are happy because you choose to be happy, to love even if that same amount of love is not reciprocated back to you. You offer your heart in an open hand.

But for the rest, who are bewildered by the madness of daily living, they have failed to see the joys in simple things. Some people become bitter when they know they have lost a loved one, some resort to self destruction, greed and lust to feel accepted but we cannot blame them for they too have the limitations, but they think these limitations can be filled by the material world only to find out that the only way to cure self worthlessness is to find out your worth, to regain your life is simply to determine your value, as a child of the universe. Remember this: no one is greater and lesser than we are, for each of us has a story rightful in the pages of time and worthy to be listened to. In the dynamics of the universe there is no such thing as poor or wealthy, benevolent or malevolent, high or low but there is only self worth, the value of your life is not based upon your material success or the tangible rewards because the true value of life is based upon how happy you are of the result.

Find your self worth and you will find your self, you can begin to walk on your journey to the path to where you want to be, for happiness is never the journey but the destination. Whatever the result is as long as it will make you and the people around you to be happy, as long as it benefits not only yourself but the whole universe then do it, because the pursuit of happiness is a road less understood and a path less taken"

Now going back to where I was, my soul came back to my body and found myself holding a cup waiting for the coffee seeds to be brewed..... Oh my goodness I feel like I am the reincarnation of Paracelsus!

Taken from:
"The Essence of Being Human"
by Gerard D. Ompad
(A simpleton, a mentor, a geek...always misunderstood)

For an Open or Close Relationship

Well, I wont complain or even bother to think why my partner is scanning his "PR" account. When we were in Bangkok with some of our friends for the training and some "vacation" I told him he can hook surf his account and hook up with other guys but I only need to promise me one thing, he should do it with protection and he should sleep before 12:00 am, in that way he wont be stressed and keep his count perfect. The moment I told him I gave him my blessing to hook up he got mad, and I wonder why. Is he made because he is guilty I caught him surfing "PR" and guilty that I gave him permission to hook up with other guys or is he mad because what I perceived him to be is not true.

But what he does not know is that I understand him and I understand that in this kind of relationship, either one of the party or both will have a tendency to play around. But for me, after 1 year of having him all I can say is I simply cant let go because my heart has its own reasons in which my reasons cannot know. He can play around, he can have fun all I want from him is that after the day he comes back home to me, I don't care if I am something common in his sight all I care is that I have a special part in his heart.

I am sick of telling people not to do this and not to do that, if he is happy with what he is doing then I am there to support, why should I be angry in the first place when in the beginning I chose him over the others. I am not a martyr, I am just facing reality that human as we are, we still belong to the kingdom of animals equipped with the libido. I am sick and tired of the cyclic act of revenge, I could shot all the people whom he sleeps with with a bullet on the head but I rather not.

But I am angry of myself, I am so angry because I cannot stand up to him in times where there is someone in his mind, if I can only dare to walk naked in front of him when he is thinking of somebody else, sometimes I ask myself, is it my responsibility to have sex with him so that I can keep him for myself? My morals are slowly degrading, I feel angry at myself and I don't know why, is it because I can't face the reality or is it because I am starting to feel insecure.

Ganyan Ba Talaga ang mga Posit?Mga salawahan or sadyang malandi lang?("Are the PLHIV like that?Swingers or just always on the go?")

It has been 5 months, and I have observed his sudden changed of behavior. He hurts me more frequently and he is more moody than ever. He commands me around and gets angry if I dont get things right. I did not expect these changes would come but I know it will come. Then suddenly he changes much, he locks his phone and hides if ever someone texted him. I surfs Planet Romeo more frequently and he chats with "good looking guys" on facebook that makes me loose my self worth. One of my friend advised me to give him the benefits of the doubt, that they may just be his friends. But these came weird and not normal and I am not used to it. But if I truly love him then come what may I should love him. whether he do it with other guys or not. But the other side of me said I should not be a martyr,I should not be blind and I should stand up and ask him if he still have the vibes for me. While the other side says that I should stay firm and let him be him, do whatever he pleases because he loves me and at the end of the day its going ot be me whom he will be seeking in the night.

What hurts me most is his more frequent moods swings.He punches me more often, he is quite becoming unfair. He always judges me while he is there lying on bed, dictating what things I should do or not do. But I cannot leave him behind not because he needs me with his condition but because I need him, like what I said he makes me feel human. I am aware that he is living with HIV and I don't know if it is their nature to be "itchy" and or just two timers. I don't know if it's their nature that they easily get bored. All in all I am loosing my self worth. Is he slowly slipping away from my hold or is my hold to loose for him?

Then came the most painful part: I saw condoms in his bag, but still I did not cast a greater and darker shadow with his actions, because I do not know his motives of carrying the condom. Could he be doing it with another guy? I doubted, "No" I keep it in mind, he loves me and I love him and that's everything that matters to me...but it bothers me inside why he carries the condom, what is his motives? Should I start to worry and ferret him around his daily trips? Will we end up in an open relationship? or will we end in a not so happy ending?... am casting my fears...my fear that even the most wisest of the advice cannot contemplate....I am now casting worries, worries that I might find someone who will take my attention and care away from him, a fear that I might end up with another guy.....my fear of ending the "us" that I wanted to build...What will I do? What will I say?....I am confused and bothered....

Loving Someone (Living with HIV): The Drama Nights (A sequel)

It was midnight, we just got home from Alex's house (Remember dying young? the 18 year old boy living with HIV, we regard him as our mother). We just slept 3 hours during the whole day because we were the organizers of our leadership conference. "I am not feeling well" he said to me, I just ignored his words and thinking its just a fever that would just pass by. I went out to buy us food for our dinner and some medicine to lower down his temperature. He SMS me thrice telling me to get home as quick as I can, but since the dinner was delayed behind the cafeteria kitchen I have to wait for 30 minutes more.

When I went inside the door, I noticed him covered in blanket, "SHIT! your temperature is HIGH!" I said, He shove off my hands and said "Go AWAY! I don't need you". At that moment I panicked, my mind was clouded, I could not think what to do, I called Alex and told me all he need is a dose of medicine. But still I was blinded I don't know what to do the only thing that came into my mind was to hug him real tight, he cried. I can feel his tears flowing on my arms "Why did God do this to me? What have I done wrong?" He asked me. I could not answer his question all I can do was to cry with him. I feel worthless at that moment, I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say:I just cried.

I felt that I am responsible for his miseries because I was not there when he experienced the pain. I hug him real tight and I blame myself for his situation now. I asked God how could he be so cold and unfair. Right there I contested His divinity, to take my life for the life of my partner. Stop his pain for the price of my soul. But no answer, I just cried and wished that if I could only find a way to make him feel better.

But in the course of that painful night I learned one thing, I learn to value that crying is a form of consolation. I learn that to share one's pain is one way to show that you love someone. I learn that pain makes us humans and it makes us realize that we are not perfect, yet it is through pain that we realize that we should strive to live and move forward. Pain is not there to inflict us with sorrow, it is there to make us realize that sometimes we need a little drama to know that we love someone.

Falling Inlove With Someone (Living with HIV), the sequel to falling inlove with someone..

The moment I confirmed he has the condition, I fall to pieces. Yes, I cried hiding from his sight. I cried not because he has the condition, I cried because I was not there to stop him from contracting it, for three days I blamed myself for not being there for him during the first few days of his new life. I wallow, and self pity, but as I look at him living each life every moment I learn to follow him: Live Life to the Fullest. Every night as I lay beside him I tell a little star in the dark sky for a bargain, my life for his life. I am willing to give up my soul just to save his life. In the morning I manage to wake up before him to see the sunlight reflects on his white skin. A beautiful glow from a magnificent creature, far more gallant than the unicorn, far more majestic than the phoenix, yet far more delicate than the petal of the rarest orchid.

I know the consequence of loving him, I know the ignorance of the society around us will try to tear what we have. That is why I need to stand not for him but for us. I need to defend not only his rights but our rights as one person. Yes, I will experience many persecution from the community around me, but I pity them for they do not understand the magic that binds me and him as one. This is the force that will protect as, as long as I am holding his hands and as long as he is holding mine, I will urge him to walk with me to the horizon. I will shield him along the way, I will shield him against the pointing fingers, I will protect him form the belittling words, I will stand up for us. Yes, the odds maybe great yet I know that with "us" together, we can turn the tides around. Remember how small was Daniel when he toppled down the titan Goliath.

In the battle of our ancestors there is one thing that I learn: "Move forward against the odds, for if you already know that odds are against you then you have the greatest chance of preparing for battle". There is hope, it is the greatest gift that the heavens have blessed men. We need to use it well, for if all things fail only hope can give us the gift of sanity and the courage to face tomorrow. In the process of my life when I confirmed his condition, I learn to value every moment of us being together, I learn to accept the blessings of what love can offer every second. As I close my eyes as he kisses me, as his soft wet lips patted my barren dry lips, I can feel the sensation of happiness. So much happiness I can't help but to shed a little tear. The world seems to stop!

I learn to appreciate life because of him, how laughter heals sickness, how silence can tell so much about us being together, how a simple holding of a hand can make a difference in this cold and harsh world. He made me feel human, he made me feel alive. Alive more than before...But most of all I treasure how we valued each other not only as a human being but as creation of the universe that needs to love and be loved in return.

To you my dear partner "I LOVE YOU..."