It was midnight, we just got home from Alex's house (Remember dying young? the 18 year old boy living with HIV, we regard him as our mother). We just slept 3 hours during the whole day because we were the organizers of our leadership conference. "I am not feeling well" he said to me, I just ignored his words and thinking its just a fever that would just pass by. I went out to buy us food for our dinner and some medicine to lower down his temperature. He SMS me thrice telling me to get home as quick as I can, but since the dinner was delayed behind the cafeteria kitchen I have to wait for 30 minutes more.
When I went inside the door, I noticed him covered in blanket, "SHIT! your temperature is HIGH!" I said, He shove off my hands and said "Go AWAY! I don't need you". At that moment I panicked, my mind was clouded, I could not think what to do, I called Alex and told me all he need is a dose of medicine. But still I was blinded I don't know what to do the only thing that came into my mind was to hug him real tight, he cried. I can feel his tears flowing on my arms "Why did God do this to me? What have I done wrong?" He asked me. I could not answer his question all I can do was to cry with him. I feel worthless at that moment, I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say:I just cried.
I felt that I am responsible for his miseries because I was not there when he experienced the pain. I hug him real tight and I blame myself for his situation now. I asked God how could he be so cold and unfair. Right there I contested His divinity, to take my life for the life of my partner. Stop his pain for the price of my soul. But no answer, I just cried and wished that if I could only find a way to make him feel better.
But in the course of that painful night I learned one thing, I learn to value that crying is a form of consolation. I learn that to share one's pain is one way to show that you love someone. I learn that pain makes us humans and it makes us realize that we are not perfect, yet it is through pain that we realize that we should strive to live and move forward. Pain is not there to inflict us with sorrow, it is there to make us realize that sometimes we need a little drama to know that we love someone.
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