For an Open or Close Relationship

Well, I wont complain or even bother to think why my partner is scanning his "PR" account. When we were in Bangkok with some of our friends for the training and some "vacation" I told him he can hook surf his account and hook up with other guys but I only need to promise me one thing, he should do it with protection and he should sleep before 12:00 am, in that way he wont be stressed and keep his count perfect. The moment I told him I gave him my blessing to hook up he got mad, and I wonder why. Is he made because he is guilty I caught him surfing "PR" and guilty that I gave him permission to hook up with other guys or is he mad because what I perceived him to be is not true.

But what he does not know is that I understand him and I understand that in this kind of relationship, either one of the party or both will have a tendency to play around. But for me, after 1 year of having him all I can say is I simply cant let go because my heart has its own reasons in which my reasons cannot know. He can play around, he can have fun all I want from him is that after the day he comes back home to me, I don't care if I am something common in his sight all I care is that I have a special part in his heart.

I am sick of telling people not to do this and not to do that, if he is happy with what he is doing then I am there to support, why should I be angry in the first place when in the beginning I chose him over the others. I am not a martyr, I am just facing reality that human as we are, we still belong to the kingdom of animals equipped with the libido. I am sick and tired of the cyclic act of revenge, I could shot all the people whom he sleeps with with a bullet on the head but I rather not.

But I am angry of myself, I am so angry because I cannot stand up to him in times where there is someone in his mind, if I can only dare to walk naked in front of him when he is thinking of somebody else, sometimes I ask myself, is it my responsibility to have sex with him so that I can keep him for myself? My morals are slowly degrading, I feel angry at myself and I don't know why, is it because I can't face the reality or is it because I am starting to feel insecure.