(I found this manuscript in English in 2008 but I saw a diary written in Cebuano dated back 1998 of the same title and the same translation. On the lower right corner of the page I saw: To C.M. I am sorry, and I love you...rest in peace...~Geh)
I am the beast who fell for your beauty, the guy who beats your freaking geek boyfriend because I am jealous to know he screw you at night then talks about it at the locker room with his other geeky friends, I do this because I want to protect you because it hurts me when I hear him say things that you want him because of sex. I know I am just a nobody to you but you know I am happy and I am satisfied that I have loved you even from afar, to see you smile and eat your sandwiches, the way you carry your red lunch box and the purple tie you have along with your pony tail. Do you know, I still have to rush to your school just to see you during our snack time? I am wondering what if we grow old together?
But if I were to ask you if you were still standing here with me, what are the things that makes your LOVE memorable? Was it the sex? Was it the torrid kiss? Was it the long years of being together with him? The countless new years, the countless Christmas? The countless birthdays he spent with you? Was all this worthed for you to give to him yourself? He is cheating on you God Damn it! He is fucking cheating on you! Look at some parents after 25 years of the so called happy marriage they still end up splitting because they are both pretending to be happy for the past 23 years when in fact they are not, both of them denies the fact that one of them is cheating on the other. You think that the 6 years from 1992 to 1998, this geek spent with you he still loves you the way you perceive him to love you?
I wanted you to know that if I was him, I will show you that there is more to love than making love. There is more to love than the friction of our bodies, there is more to love than the kisses at night, there is more to love than the soft whispers of "I love you" every time you come home from a tiring day. There is more to love than the beauty of your face, there is more to love than the radiant glow of the sun on your skin, there is more to love than saving other else's life in the expense of your own life. People may think I don't understand love because I am mean, because I am a bully and because I am a rule breaker. Yes I do, and it is not about the sex, it is about the companionship. Love is not all about me or you but about us, it is not about how you help me or how I help you it is all about how we help each other. But it is too late now, honestly, I ask myself why so early? We could have been friends, being friends was enough for me to keep you safe and away form harm.
I am now standing in front of your grave, holding this letter. I was wondering why I did not saw you for months, it is January now and next month is JS Prom. Your teacher told me you were struck by a backing car after saving a kindergarten and your father came in late to help, I just call him uncle by the way, he asked me my name I told him I'm Mark, your geek boyfriend's brother. I still have to hang your boyfriend and flush his face into the toilet for not helping you and just screaming like a sissy girl while that fucking driver killed you.
I will miss you so much, even if you don't know my name. I will miss your giggles, I will miss how you unpack your sandwich from your red lunch box. I will miss the times to come where we could have known each other. I don't want to say goodbye but I have to, you run to a place where I cannot follow you anymore. you used to stay at the Mormon's Church near my school but not anymore, you are playing with the angels now, too bad I am not an angel and my father said I can never become one. So I will just stay here on earth and watch you up there tonight, dancing among the stars.But may I ask something? What if I told God to take me instead of you? If I was there and saved both of you and died would you love me instead of him?
"Para Sa Akong Hinigugma (For My Love~1998)"
by Sir Gerard
"I have experienced many deaths, the death of a loved one, of a friend and of a family. But never is more painful than the death of a person whom you loved but she does not know you even exist."
ReplyDelete~Thanks Sir Geh.....