When the Mentee Becomes The Mentor

He did not told me he will be visiting Cebu, always as he is the stubborn and silent man. I always look up to him as someone brave but at the same time fragile as well. He slept on his bed for two days without waking up and four bags of type O+ blood have been given to him (thanks to one of my friend who knows someone from RC). He looks like an octopus with all the plastic tubes surrounding him, As I stand behind the glass wall to watch him sleep a very good and sound sleep, I cannot manage to help but laugh sometimes: "The man who mentored me sometimes does not use his brain." He told me to be very critical in everything but look at him now, I know he do things which he think is right and defending that girl form those hoodlooms without first calling the cops or even calling me so that I can take a piece of the action was both a stupid and a right move.

An unsung hero, but sometimes crazy. He was outnumbered 7 to 1, on day 2 around 3 pm he woke up and he saw me. I know he was shock because he cannot move and worse he cannot talk, he just gave me a very scary look, like a monster ready to attack. The nurse came in and settled him down, I cannot hear what she is talking to him but I know by his facial expression he was shocked. Then he continued to stare at me, 2 hours later, he can move the fingers of his right hand and guess what he just gave me one of the best thank you signs in the world, his middle finger. I waved my hand and decided to go home and visit him the next day.

Day 3, his room was noisy he was yelling about where is his mobile phone, "Oh I am really gonna choke you dead if you can't bring me my mobile" he yelled at the nurse, the doctor came in, crossed his hand and said something that made him behave. He can move his right arm now and his legs, he can roll around his ICU bed and shout...I came to him and he said to me "Kid, you know how scared I am of the hospital! Give your mentor a favor and get me out here!" I smiled at him "sorry sir NO CAN DO." I said, and he was furious,,"JERK I AM SO GONNA TWIST YOUR NECK!" he said to me..deep inside I am happy, seeing him like a little boy strapped on a bed and at the same time doing my revenge...vengeance is served!

GET WELL SOON BOSS! Your a brave man!

The First Case of Infidelity

"Kid I am going to back to Bangkok next week, I might not be here when you come back, your partner is now well behave he must have seen your value now that you are gone, we talked a lot about you and how stupid you are, well I still believe you are a heavier idiot than me..." I skim through my mentor's email. But today was a different day he buzzed me in our personal emails.

"Oi, kid have you received my email?" he said, with a emoticon that looks like an angry father.

"Yes sir I did" I replied, "Well then off I go to my kingdom, I love it Thailand is like a tuk tuk ride away...Okay now you take care over there kid...be sure to play it safe."

I shove his "be sure to play it safe", I know I will be faithful. I went to the #Bi-cebu channel of mirc and found so many people there some old friends, some old sex mates and some new ones and a handful of virgins who wants to have their experience. my name was -=TAKEN=-, as I commonly used in mirc since last 2003. Then there was a buzz, from newboy, then from there our conversation moved on. newboy is 16 years old, he is an incoming college student in a prestigious school and coming form a very well off family. We introduced ourselves the normal way, two online strangers exchanging information. Then he cracked a joke in which I laughed. "Hey you have a good sense of humor." I complimented, "I do?" he said, "Hey I will be going to Starbucks Ayala, wanna meet up? I will treat you there don't worry my treat." He said.

"I am so sorry, but I think I should not." I said but deep inside honestly I want to meet him, its just this thing I have inside that if I do meet him I am doing philandering against my partner.

I remember what G said to me "Be conscious of the things around you, be aware. It is not that I am stopping you from having sex with someone outside your relationship it is still your choice. Playing divine kid is not an act of a mortal being, temptation is strong especially at the wee hours of the evening. Always be careful in the night, the dark is not to be trusted but nonetheless, if it wills you then do it but you must be prepared with its consequences."

"Honestly, I have a partner, I should be here chatting with you." I said. "Where is your partner?" he replied, "He is Manila right now." "LOL! Come on let's meet its not like we are going to do something, anyway your partner is not here and ofcourse you wont tell him we met right?" By the way that he said I am convinced to go and meet him. yeah newboy is right my partner is not here so he wont know that I am going out to meet someone and ofcourse he is right I wont tell my partner that I am meeting with someone.

"Okay, I will give you my number." I said, we exchange numbers and told each other what we are wearing. I am wearing a red t-shirt and a basketball shorts with number 23 while he is wearing blue tshirt with a super mario print on it. Then the time was set 7:30 pm Starbucks Ayala.

I went there around 7:25, he texted me that he will be late for around 30 minutes more, well what can I do I said to myself I am here why not wait. Then 8:00 pm he texted me to look outside and look for an Audy car with the plate number "XXX-XXX". Then I saw him waved his hand, he drove his wheels to the parking lot while I waited in the cafe. After that he manage to buy us the most expensive drinks in Starbucks and a cake worth Php.2,000.00. I never expect that I will meet up with a very handsome, rich young man. It was like someone from the royalty dated me. G will be so jealous if he knows that I manage to taste that Php. 2,000.00 worth cake he was talking about.

It was a long and interesting talk then around 11:30 pm I told newboy I must go home. He said "Why go home?" There was something the way he said it to me, a hidden message that is so familiar to me. "Why?" I asked. "I wanted to show you my house, it's just near your place." He said, "Where?" I asked, "ML Village", then I was stunned, the village of the rich. Then there was the flash back of all the meet ups I have long time ago, of the alibi's of going to their house just to talk or drink but I know it will always end on the bed. Indeed G was again right, temptation is strong and I am not divine resist the fact that sex is a part of being mortal, as he always say to me its just common sense.

Half of me wants to go with him (mainly because I will be fucking a young handsome guy) but a part of me said no (because he is young and I should not mud him with all these bad influence). But I fell into temptation, I found myself in his car, we stopped over Foodland in Banilad to buy some Johnny Walker, "at least I will end up drunk, and if ever my partner knows about this I have an alibi that I got drunk and found myself in another person's bed."

His house was big, a mansion with two pools, an electric gate. He has house servants quarters residing a few feet away from his house. "My parents are always not at home." He said, "What about your siblings?" I asked "My brother in Singapore right now working my sister is in France taking up medicine." We went into his room which for me is a smaller house within a house complete with a living room, a separate kitchen a small wine bar and a jacuzzi.

There we sat down, talked, played wii, and just enjoyed the night. I guess I am wrong, we are just here for clean fun, so we enjoyed the night like two brothers fooling around. 4:00 am striked and we are both tired and drunk. We jumped into his bed, but before we could close our eyes, I felt something rushing down, his hands...are there on my prick. I can't deny the fact that I love it, He caresses it. Then I said what else can I do, I am here with him better give everything to what he wants. Yes, we did it. I fuck a boy 10 years younger than me. I should say it is fun, I enjoyed the heat and the friction, we do it from one climax to another, we both don't want to stop what we are doing. We kissed and we have sex.

We woke up very late in the afternoon, around 4:30 pm, I really need to go home I said. He drove me home into the village just a few blocks from his village. When I went home, G was then again right, I felt the guilt inside of me, who am I fooling that I have sex with another man when in fact I can have sex with my own partner, now I am so ruined...but I think he wont know I will just keep it to myself, not unless when somebody will tell my partner what I did... :(

In Cebu...

My mentor tapped my back and showed me an envelope..."Kid get yourself a vacation...far away from pain...you deserve a break..I will be going to the mountain region..to do some re-connecting with the past and help the young people there...see you labor day..." and so it was a ticket bound for Cebu... 2 weeks with my family, old friends and the hoodlooms that I use to mingle with. It is better in Cebu, I can sigh, I can laugh and I can move freely...maybe because there is the fact that I am at a distance away from him, away from the doubts, away from the pretending, away from the trauma of catching him surfing PR....away from the fact that aside from caring for somebody else's heart by own heart was slowly and painfully wounded...

I thought it was easy as this, free from time to time...but everytime I surf the internet to read some blogs, I am so tempted to create my own PR account and catch him red handed and on site...but who am I fooling, catching a guilty thief just to be hurt inside...thats a stupid move..my mom opened my very old cabinet which I have not touched for years, she took an old 1998 album of Lauren Hill..and then heavens was playing their painful turtor on me again..because while I was thinking of him...the song was "killing me softly" I smiled to the tune while my mother smiled at me with her motherly gesture, she might be thinking that I have recalled my past but in reality....I am recalling of the old days with him

and as the lyrics goes:

"I felt all flushed with fever

Embarrassed by the crowd

I felt he found my letters

And read each one out loud

I prayed that he would finish

But he just kept right on"

I started to feel sad, was I pretending all the time that he loves me? then my mobile phone beeps..it was Sir G:

"My ass hurts, I feel off a 90 degrees slope....the weather is cool in La Trinidad and I will be devouring all the fruits in front of my path...how is Cebu? can you go to my mama's house and tell ma to give you my tool box? I will fix the skateboard...." and then another beep..and it was him: "Hi...miss na kita...when ka uwi? I love you"...and the sequences of confusion went inside my head... a mixture of happiness and sadness, pain and joy..hate and love, doubt and trust..yes I love him... I need him so so much..but there are sometimes how I wish I can give him a taste of his own medicine...

Caught Him Again!

He was inside our room, when I burst in looking for my mobile phone, then I saw him quickly minimizing PR, I pretend not to see. So I did what I have to and pretend that he was just typing his report. I could not help but rush to the other room, take a deep breath and sigh. My mentors was there too debating on how to do the proposal (again for the very big funding from USA). They look at me as if I am going crazy. "Kid, GET OUT!" Sir G screamed, you don't belong here. But my mind was so blank and my feet so numb by the intense confusion inside me. "Bakit ba siya nag PPR? Nandito naman ako...(why is he surfing PR when he knows he has a partner?)"All I can do is stare at the ceiling blankly, "Get Out!" Sir G shove me out the door, "I dunno what your thinking kid but you have to fix your own mess! I have my own bullshit to fix too...so fuck off!" he yelled..

I left the big apartment, walking the streets until I found myself in Roxas Boulevard. But deep within my heart I keep asking "Why?", "Please can anyone clarify me, why? Is it normal for someone with a partner to surf on PR?" Three days ago I found three pieces of condoms in his pockets while it was hanged on the wall, now he placed password in his loptop.....is it time to say "quits"? Is it time to say "Thats it I give up"? or shall I hold on in the hopes that he will succumb back to me? I am so confused right now. I stood at Baywalk, as cars pass me by, I watch the sky and stare at the stars..."Life, why are you so hard to understand? What do you really want from me? I can't understand your signs, and I cant interpret your symbols, when can you show me kindness?"

All I want is to be happy, to love and be loved in return, to give emphasis on how meaningful life is when you have someone to hold on, someone to touch, someone to hug under the full moon night. Someone who corrects your mistakes and kiss you afterwards.....all I want is to be happy...

Preparation for Farewell

Bangkok ,Thailand and Sir G was in the next session hall; I can hear his voice arguing with some "Blue" people. They say that he is like his mentor, factual, tough, vulgar, strong. Anyone who dares to stand in front of him will surely be crushed. But before he went to Bangkok, he went to a clash with the high officers of his job. He feel weak, worthless and numb. I look at him in the midst of the battle, he is not him. The vibrant shadows of his eyes was cold and grey, he could not speak and he just went outside and left. That moment that they slammed the door into his face was the day that the world opened up to him. Many offers was made here and abroad.

3 days before the UNGASS, he got back to himself, he received calls from New York, Myanmar, Bangkok, Tokyo, Brussels, Luxembourg, London.....I could say he is one of the "well known" young minds in the field of public health. I smiled "Aba, sir sikat ah!" (Sir your popular), he stood up and sigh, tapped my back "Kid, I think it is time for me to leave, I am of no use in my country anymore..." and my smiled fade, he was like a brother to me, and the moment he will leave will be the time that I will also stop blogging my life. He is the one who told me that blogging will divert my attention and will relieve my stress. But he promised me that when I stop blogging he will be the one who will start to blog so that the legacy will continue.

"Come" he told me, "I will show you something and pointed to Pasig River...you see kid the only constant thing in this world is change and those who refuse to evolve in the ever changing dynamics of life will be left behind. The world is a big place and that is why we have eyes in front of our heads because we are expected to move forward not backwards. Tomorrow is always uncertain, but it is this uncertainty that we are motivated to go forward. The fear of the unknown is so small compared to the courage of hope to step into the unchartered territories. Do not go to the trail already laid to you but rather walk the path less traveled and make a trail there."

"Where do you plan to go?" I asked him, Sir G just smiled and said "To where I am needed, to where I can contribute and grow. To where the wind and my feet well take me, somewhere...", I rolled my eyes, he is always like that always as mysterious. "Kid, you have a long way to go from now on. Time for you to stand on your two feet, the moment you step there with me to that meeting in Bangkok, is the day you will make foot prints in the pages of history." and walking in the pages of history I did, I went into a debate with other people too.

He told me again "When the world you are staying at is getting smaller and smaller by the day and it becomes more familiar and particular everyday, its the day where you also need to step forward to the unchartered world. There is what we call the time of exploration kid, only settle down when the sky above you becomes blue and the sunrise becomes lovely, otherwise the world has set something for you out there. You already have a place here on this life all you need to do is set on the journey to find that."

The moment Sir G will travel again, I think will be the day that I will start to stop hiding in his shadows, I don't have someone to run now...like he said "I need to grow"....

Sometimes....

Sometimes in a relationship, there is no need to blame your partner because your relationship falters down, there is no need to point to your partner and say “It’s your entire fault why our relationship broke down!”, because most of the time we fail to acknowledge our own fault why a relationship ends, this is what I learn last Sunday at 3:00 am. My mentor was wide awake looking outside the rainy window. “Sir, not sleepy yet?”, he did not replied. I ignored his stubbornness, he is always like that but then again I saw empty bottles of gin and vodka, and I saw he is holding one more half-empty bottle. “Sir, is there something wrong?” still no reply. Then I start to wonder why, I texted his “Xian Lim” and also no reply. I manage to see his mobile phone and he seems to forget to shut it and so due to my curiosity I sneak a peek and there it was I saw:

“I deserve someone better than you and so do you, I am setting you free GOOD BYE!”

I tried to comfort him saying that he does not deserve him, that he was more greater if he has someone else wrapped around his arms. He laughed at me, “Kid you’re the 100^th person that tried to comfort me, no need to do that.”, he took a glass poured a small amount and passed it to me “Cheers for my stupidity, for being so busy and for being blinded by my work.” I smiled and replied “Hats off to that sir, seems you’re not much as great as I am now.” I went outside and sneaked into his loptop, but I saw I in his facebook chat:

“I am sorry my Xian Lim, I acknowledge my fault on not focusing too much on you, I am so sorry but if you’re happy with your decision then I am happy too. I apologize for my mistakes, if you deserve someone better than me then I think I won’t run after you.”

“Sometimes some people are so tired of chasing other people, sometimes one has just to slow down and walk and let the other person run away from your grasp. Chivalry is dead kid, I am tired, I am not sad, I am just tired and wasted. I have to move forward now, there is no reason to cry over spilled milk, I am not drunk to be sober, I am just celebrating a love that is lost but yet treasured. Amidst the sorrow of losing someone is a happiness to be celebrated that at least somehow there was love even if for a short while.” he said. And so lesson learned, sometimes people don’t get sad or sober when they broke up, they are just celebrating a lost treasure worthy to be lost in time and space, without expecting to be seen again, and just letting it be lost.

There are Just some people

There are just some idiots who cannot shut up, they have the body but they also have the smallest brain..... ryt >:)

The Baby in the Sky

Mentor

Gerard Lecturing Risk and Vulnerability Factors

Gerard in Laos PDR with Fellow TWG

Gerard in His Global Fund Lecture

To the Stomach and not the Brain

"Okay kids, good job...well done...well done indeed" He tapped our back one by one pointed to the powerpoint presentation and started to discuss the theoretical aspects of our activities. He folded , his arm and asked us "Okay kids, what can you infer from your observation of the bar graph?" He points his finger to a gender vs. HIV prevalence per country bar graph....he walks to one of my classmates and said, remember this kids "Know your epidemic and know your response." the best way to plan against an infection is to work with the people who plays with the infection.

Sir Gerard is one of those people who rings a bell in this side of the town, he has met people from the UN, went to other countries to sit down with other big asses. He helps in planning strategies for global health in communicable diseases and although he is an engineer by profession, he loves his work in public health. But there is one particular lesson that I want to share. last night my TG friend got drunk and sober from the overflowing vodka after the training. "I hate myself" she cried and sobbed, "I don't know what to do." Sir Gerard rolled his eyes and took his notes, and the usual thing he does when he counsel young people, he chats down notes and then asked a series of questions that makes people realize something....

"I am broken, so broken..." She said

"If you are broken, how can you build yourself up?" Gerard replied

"I don't know Gerard, I don't know...I feel like I am wasting myself..."She replied

"How did you know that you waste yourself?" Gerard Asked again

"Damn you Gerard for your direct questions, damn you..." She said

"You see kid, people are like apples, those that are good are up the top portion of the tree, they are hard to harvest, but once the apple picker got them, he knows he can sell them at an expensive price, while there are apples that are not so good and you can find them below the tree and some of them fall to the ground, the apple picker ignores them because he knows that they can be sold at a cheaper value. So which kind of apple are you?" Gerard Asked her

She cried and sobbed and cried even more, "Okay kids" Gerard said to us "If you are in this situation, what is the best way to do to knock out a sober friend?". He took a bottle of vodka placed it in front of our sobbing friend and said "The best way to knock a drunk person is to let him drink more of the alcohol until he looses consciousness" He smiled..."Next time kids remember this....alcohols are made for the stomach and place them to the stomach and not your brain...Because you can never find self value and you can never solve problems just by drinking vodka alone!"

Valentine's War

Valentine's is not always sweet and cuddly to me these days seems I feel like the reverse of the song:stupid cupid has stopped picking on me, well I think after 1 year of being us... I have a strong feeling that the end is not far from sight, I hate to conclude though. I really am so confused why I gave him the blessing of an open relationship. Feb. 14, 2011 began with a blast of nasty words "Tanga ka talaga (your stupid)". I yelled at him, "Oo tanga ako masaya ka na?! (Yes, I am stupid, happy now?!", "Oo masaya ako na alam mong tanga ka! (yes, I'm happy to know that you know your stupid!)". But deep inside I am also cut, anger driven words from my month, I could not take it any longer, I was like a volcano erupting.

I can protect him from the people around him and defend him at the cost of my life but I realize I cannot protect him from myself. The horror of the things I said left a scar in both of our hearts, I was so guilty why I even shouted those words in the first place. So I was thinking, shall I stay or is it time to let go? Is my hold too loose? I am confused and lost, I love him but something inside me said you have to let go. Damn its quite difficult to be in this situation. What if I will cheat as well? Just to get even? That does not make me a better human being, just because he flaunts on PR and FB does not mean I shout flaunt as well to get even, I am not him and he is not me.

My patience is getting thinner and thinner, I don't know if I can survive this cat and mouse game, I don't know if we are true to each other or just playing pretend. Honestly, I don't want to throw away our 1 year of existence as us, but I should face the facts that no matter how hard you try not to let each other fall, no matter how strong your hold to each other, there are just instances that letting go and falling down is simply and the only way to move on, even if you know that the fall will be hard and the injuries sustained will be great, but for the sake of happiness, sometimes letting go and falling down is the only option then after a long fall and putting up together the broken pieces you will not regain your old self but a new one.

Ironic, we are in a heated fight and we pretend we don't see each other, but we sleep on the same bed, no more hugging though, only our backs face each other. He takes some short glimpses of me, while I take long stares at him. I am really confused...really....why does loving someone can get so complicated as this

There is More to Love than Making Love

(I found this manuscript in English in 2008 but I saw a diary written in Cebuano dated back 1998 of the same title and the same translation. On the lower right corner of the page I saw: To C.M. I am sorry, and I love you...rest in peace...~Geh)

I am the beast who fell for your beauty, the guy who beats your freaking geek boyfriend because I am jealous to know he screw you at night then talks about it at the locker room with his other geeky friends, I do this because I want to protect you because it hurts me when I hear him say things that you want him because of sex. I know I am just a nobody to you but you know I am happy and I am satisfied that I have loved you even from afar, to see you smile and eat your sandwiches, the way you carry your red lunch box and the purple tie you have along with your pony tail. Do you know, I still have to rush to your school just to see you during our snack time? I am wondering what if we grow old together?

But if I were to ask you if you were still standing here with me, what are the things that makes your LOVE memorable? Was it the sex? Was it the torrid kiss? Was it the long years of being together with him? The countless new years, the countless Christmas? The countless birthdays he spent with you? Was all this worthed for you to give to him yourself? He is cheating on you God Damn it! He is fucking cheating on you! Look at some parents after 25 years of the so called happy marriage they still end up splitting because they are both pretending to be happy for the past 23 years when in fact they are not, both of them denies the fact that one of them is cheating on the other. You think that the 6 years from 1992 to 1998, this geek spent with you he still loves you the way you perceive him to love you?

I wanted you to know that if I was him, I will show you that there is more to love than making love. There is more to love than the friction of our bodies, there is more to love than the kisses at night, there is more to love than the soft whispers of "I love you" every time you come home from a tiring day. There is more to love than the beauty of your face, there is more to love than the radiant glow of the sun on your skin, there is more to love than saving other else's life in the expense of your own life. People may think I don't understand love because I am mean, because I am a bully and because I am a rule breaker. Yes I do, and it is not about the sex, it is about the companionship. Love is not all about me or you but about us, it is not about how you help me or how I help you it is all about how we help each other. But it is too late now, honestly, I ask myself why so early? We could have been friends, being friends was enough for me to keep you safe and away form harm.

I am now standing in front of your grave, holding this letter. I was wondering why I did not saw you for months, it is January now and next month is JS Prom. Your teacher told me you were struck by a backing car after saving a kindergarten and your father came in late to help, I just call him uncle by the way, he asked me my name I told him I'm Mark, your geek boyfriend's brother. I still have to hang your boyfriend and flush his face into the toilet for not helping you and just screaming like a sissy girl while that fucking driver killed you.

I will miss you so much, even if you don't know my name. I will miss your giggles, I will miss how you unpack your sandwich from your red lunch box. I will miss the times to come where we could have known each other. I don't want to say goodbye but I have to, you run to a place where I cannot follow you anymore. you used to stay at the Mormon's Church near my school but not anymore, you are playing with the angels now, too bad I am not an angel and my father said I can never become one. So I will just stay here on earth and watch you up there tonight, dancing among the stars.But may I ask something? What if I told God to take me instead of you? If I was there and saved both of you and died would you love me instead of him?

Taken from:

"Para Sa Akong Hinigugma (For My Love~1998)"

by Sir Gerard

The Hunk, The Model, and the Cute

I was there sitting in a coffee shop, amidst the Pradas, the Havaianas, the Lacost, the Luis Vuitton. In the seas of loptops: Apple Mach, HP, Dell, Sony, Samsung and Acer and amidst the good looking people there I was sitting in my slippers with feet so dirty, a sweat-drenched t-shirt, a hair like I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. The security looked at me as if I am an alien or a thief, while the bartender looked at me strangely as if I am a clown from a circus visited by Ondoy. Anyway, just before me are three guys. A hunk with a buff chest and big arms, and abs like breads and at his right was a cute guy who keeps on smiling his blood red lips that matches his super white tone and a small chinky eyes and to the left was a model, lean and sporty and I know I saw him in a billboard somewhere.

The physique, the "IT" and the hotness oozing among the three guys, the brands that they wear, the gadgets that they own..eye catching...head turner....fire starters...girls giggle as they pass by and gays act like they want to catch their attention. I smile as I watch the public's reaction. I wonder why people are into the abs....the skin...the chest..the body...the face...I was thinking if my partner will go back to the gym, if he goes to his usual routine of visiting his dermatologist twice a month and will be more hotter than them, he will turn out to be my object for decoration. I will display him around as we hang out in coffee shops, people will be jealous and say I am lucky and he will be the object of desire and I will be the object of envy. But I don't want to have an object for display...because that would be my Gundam Collections I took from my classmate after wacking him with the arm chair way back in high school.

But then again, with a super hot, jaw dropping, sex appeal oozing partner I will be the most suspicious man in the world because I know there are swarm of piranhas behind us waiting for that single mistake; then they will devour our relationship with deception and lies so that they can have my partner for themselves, like a small piece of meat thrown into a pack of hungry wolves. I would be a hypocrite if I say I don't appreciate a well managed body complete with the abs, the chest and the biceps. But I can appreciate someone even more who can blend to my chemistry, someone who knows that the best way to my heart is through my stomach....they can have the body and the sex appeal, they can have the hot man all they need to do is to leave me a person who is a real human (not a man but a human) and not someone who will float when I throw him to the sea.

I love my hubby now, I hug him at night...I hug him while he surfs his PR account, I mess around with the boys who flirts with him and leave them sleeping on the street with a loose tooth. I intentionally turn off the main electricity when I see him watch porn...yes I love my partner...I squeeze him tight...and he squeezes me even tighter with his muscular biceps until I turn blue due to suffocation...yup I love him not only because his hot, or he has the "it" factor...I love him because he makes me feel human.....

I will not Date You on Valentine's Day

Why in the world should I date you on Feb. 14? After the things you did to me your expecting me to date you outside? I saw you surfing planet romeo, I hear your mobile phone beep at the wee hours of the night, I saw you chatting with those guys on your FB account and still you have the guts to expect that I will date you on Feb. 14?! Hell NO!

Hell NO! Because I will not go out with you! The streets will just be full of traffic and both of us will just end up inside a bus that is also a ticking time bomb and waiting to explode any moment. You well just find me picking my nose in front of you again and then I know what will happen next, you will slap my face because I don't have manners.

Hell NO! Because the streets will be full of lovers and singles. Idiots who think that Valentine's day is the only day in the 365 days cycle to date someone and have sex afterwards. Because there are a lot of singles out there who are also celebrating "Single Awareness Day!". And there will be those "emos" in their black dresses pretending to be sad just to get the pulic's attention.

Hell NO! Because it is expensive to date outside and I just want to be with you here at the comforts of our bed. Because I want to keep you away from the public and all for myself. Because I want to cook with you our favorite pasta. Drink Soda and eat popcorns.

Hell NO! Because I want to have a movie marathon with you, and pamper you when the movie gets so cheesy and hide behind your back when the movie gets too scary.

Hell NO! because your still stuck up in my mind even if you surf planet romeo or watch porn movies...

Hell NO! Because I want you here with me....

Thats the reason why I don't want to date you on Feb 14!

The Value of Life

As I was looking at the night sky with countless dazzling stars, I began to contemplate on my value, as I lost my consciousness in the vast empty space before me, I began to ask: "Who am I?.... Why am I here?...... What am I for?...... What is life?....... What is the value of life?........ Where am I going?..... All of us are walking a journey, on a path unknown leading us to a place that is based on the choices that we choose, on the options that we tend to follow and on the decisions that we tend to make."

"Life is human, life is tangible, life is emotions, life is change. Life is a gradual process of growth, a cycle of birth, degeneration and death. But what is life to those who seek the material wealth of living? What is life to those who seek vanity? What is life to those who seek wisdom? What is life to those who serve for the common good? What is life to you?"

"If life then is happiness, how do you define happiness? Is it the satisfaction of the hunger that you have? Is it the contentment that fills an empty heart? Or is it the fulfillment of a day's work? Is it the to have and to hold the things that you yearn for? Is it the love that you found? There is more mystery to life, more than the birth of a newborn or the death of the old. The universe is a wide expansion of space in which we are but a speck of dust. The mechanics of life is more than the daily routine, it is more than the stretch of a smile, the laugh of a friend, the hug of a loved one. The dynamics of life is more than just a competition for a living, more than the survival of the fittest. Because the main mechanics of life and the dynamics in which we are all bound and the main essence of living is the pursuit of happiness.

Life is a constant struggle of doubts and trusts, of night and day, of good and evil. But these struggles only comes to be because we are in a pursuit of the things that we desire, the things that we need and the things that we want. However, two sides compliments each other. We can never yearn peace if we don't experience war, we can never value life if we never experience loss and we will never seek happiness if we never felt sadness. We do not realize that we are the masters of our own desires, we contemplate on what we need or what we want and we seek on a series of processes to turn what we contemplate on into a reality. We need love so we seek love, we feel sad so we seek happiness, we have satisfaction so we want more. Life is a mystery only to be uncovered by the person who seeks to solve the mystery of being alive, to calm the uproars of the soul, to heal a wounded heart, to serve, to help, to lead, to contemplate. Many people complain that life is full of tears, full of sorrows and full of sadness but they do not know that they are the ones who dictate the course of their own life. I am sad because I choose to be sad, because I feel the emptiness in my heart and seeks to fell the void within. You are happy because you choose to be happy, to love even if that same amount of love is not reciprocated back to you. You offer your heart in an open hand.

But for the rest, who are bewildered by the madness of daily living, they have failed to see the joys in simple things. Some people become bitter when they know they have lost a loved one, some resort to self destruction, greed and lust to feel accepted but we cannot blame them for they too have the limitations, but they think these limitations can be filled by the material world only to find out that the only way to cure self worthlessness is to find out your worth, to regain your life is simply to determine your value, as a child of the universe. Remember this: no one is greater and lesser than we are, for each of us has a story rightful in the pages of time and worthy to be listened to. In the dynamics of the universe there is no such thing as poor or wealthy, benevolent or malevolent, high or low but there is only self worth, the value of your life is not based upon your material success or the tangible rewards because the true value of life is based upon how happy you are of the result.

Find your self worth and you will find your self, you can begin to walk on your journey to the path to where you want to be, for happiness is never the journey but the destination. Whatever the result is as long as it will make you and the people around you to be happy, as long as it benefits not only yourself but the whole universe then do it, because the pursuit of happiness is a road less understood and a path less taken"

Now going back to where I was, my soul came back to my body and found myself holding a cup waiting for the coffee seeds to be brewed..... Oh my goodness I feel like I am the reincarnation of Paracelsus!

Taken from:
"The Essence of Being Human"
by Gerard D. Ompad
(A simpleton, a mentor, a geek...always misunderstood)

For an Open or Close Relationship

Well, I wont complain or even bother to think why my partner is scanning his "PR" account. When we were in Bangkok with some of our friends for the training and some "vacation" I told him he can hook surf his account and hook up with other guys but I only need to promise me one thing, he should do it with protection and he should sleep before 12:00 am, in that way he wont be stressed and keep his count perfect. The moment I told him I gave him my blessing to hook up he got mad, and I wonder why. Is he made because he is guilty I caught him surfing "PR" and guilty that I gave him permission to hook up with other guys or is he mad because what I perceived him to be is not true.

But what he does not know is that I understand him and I understand that in this kind of relationship, either one of the party or both will have a tendency to play around. But for me, after 1 year of having him all I can say is I simply cant let go because my heart has its own reasons in which my reasons cannot know. He can play around, he can have fun all I want from him is that after the day he comes back home to me, I don't care if I am something common in his sight all I care is that I have a special part in his heart.

I am sick of telling people not to do this and not to do that, if he is happy with what he is doing then I am there to support, why should I be angry in the first place when in the beginning I chose him over the others. I am not a martyr, I am just facing reality that human as we are, we still belong to the kingdom of animals equipped with the libido. I am sick and tired of the cyclic act of revenge, I could shot all the people whom he sleeps with with a bullet on the head but I rather not.

But I am angry of myself, I am so angry because I cannot stand up to him in times where there is someone in his mind, if I can only dare to walk naked in front of him when he is thinking of somebody else, sometimes I ask myself, is it my responsibility to have sex with him so that I can keep him for myself? My morals are slowly degrading, I feel angry at myself and I don't know why, is it because I can't face the reality or is it because I am starting to feel insecure.