A Little Bit of Change

When the Mentee Becomes The Mentor

2011-06-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

He did not told me he will be visiting Cebu, always as he is the stubborn and silent man. I always look up to him as someone brave but at the same time fragile as well. He slept on his bed for two days without waking up and four bags of type O+ blood have been given to him (thanks to one of my friend who knows someone from RC). He looks like an octopus with all the plastic tubes surrounding him, As I stand behind the glass wall to watch him sleep a very good and sound sleep, I cannot manage to help but laugh sometimes: "The man who mentored me sometimes does not use his brain." He told me to be very critical in everything but look at him now, I know he do things which he think is right and defending that girl form those hoodlooms without first calling the cops or even calling me so that I can take a piece of the action was both a stupid and a right move.

An unsung hero, but sometimes crazy. He was outnumbered 7 to 1, on day 2 around 3 pm he woke up and he saw me. I know he was shock because he cannot move and worse he cannot talk, he just gave me a very scary look, like a monster ready to attack. The nurse came in and settled him down, I cannot hear what she is talking to him but I know by his facial expression he was shocked. Then he continued to stare at me, 2 hours later, he can move the fingers of his right hand and guess what he just gave me one of the best thank you signs in the world, his middle finger. I waved my hand and decided to go home and visit him the next day.

Day 3, his room was noisy he was yelling about where is his mobile phone, "Oh I am really gonna choke you dead if you can't bring me my mobile" he yelled at the nurse, the doctor came in, crossed his hand and said something that made him behave. He can move his right arm now and his legs, he can roll around his ICU bed and shout...I came to him and he said to me "Kid, you know how scared I am of the hospital! Give your mentor a favor and get me out here!" I smiled at him "sorry sir NO CAN DO." I said, and he was furious,,"JERK I AM SO GONNA TWIST YOUR NECK!" he said to me..deep inside I am happy, seeing him like a little boy strapped on a bed and at the same time doing my revenge...vengeance is served!

GET WELL SOON BOSS! Your a brave man!

The First Case of Infidelity

2011-05-15T03:39:00.000-07:00

"Kid I am going to back to Bangkok next week, I might not be here when you come back, your partner is now well behave he must have seen your value now that you are gone, we talked a lot about you and how stupid you are, well I still believe you are a heavier idiot than me..." I skim through my mentor's email. But today was a different day he buzzed me in our personal emails.

"Oi, kid have you received my email?" he said, with a emoticon that looks like an angry father.

"Yes sir I did" I replied, "Well then off I go to my kingdom, I love it Thailand is like a tuk tuk ride away...Okay now you take care over there kid...be sure to play it safe."

I shove his "be sure to play it safe", I know I will be faithful. I went to the #Bi-cebu channel of mirc and found so many people there some old friends, some old sex mates and some new ones and a handful of virgins who wants to have their experience. my name was -=TAKEN=-, as I commonly used in mirc since last 2003. Then there was a buzz, from newboy, then from there our conversation moved on. newboy is 16 years old, he is an incoming college student in a prestigious school and coming form a very well off family. We introduced ourselves the normal way, two online strangers exchanging information. Then he cracked a joke in which I laughed. "Hey you have a good sense of humor." I complimented, "I do?" he said, "Hey I will be going to Starbucks Ayala, wanna meet up? I will treat you there don't worry my treat." He said.

"I am so sorry, but I think I should not." I said but deep inside honestly I want to meet him, its just this thing I have inside that if I do meet him I am doing philandering against my partner.

I remember what G said to me "Be conscious of the things around you, be aware. It is not that I am stopping you from having sex with someone outside your relationship it is still your choice. Playing divine kid is not an act of a mortal being, temptation is strong especially at the wee hours of the evening. Always be careful in the night, the dark is not to be trusted but nonetheless, if it wills you then do it but you must be prepared with its consequences."

"Honestly, I have a partner, I should be here chatting with you." I said. "Where is your partner?" he replied, "He is Manila right now." "LOL! Come on let's meet its not like we are going to do something, anyway your partner is not here and ofcourse you wont tell him we met right?" By the way that he said I am convinced to go and meet him. yeah newboy is right my partner is not here so he wont know that I am going out to meet someone and ofcourse he is right I wont tell my partner that I am meeting with someone.

"Okay, I will give you my number." I said, we exchange numbers and told each other what we are wearing. I am wearing a red t-shirt and a basketball shorts with number 23 while he is wearing blue tshirt with a super mario print on it. Then the time was set 7:30 pm Starbucks Ayala.

I went there around 7:25, he texted me that he will be late for around 30 minutes more, well what can I do I said to myself I am here why not wait. Then 8:00 pm he texted me to look outside and look for an Audy car with the plate number "XXX-XXX". Then I saw him waved his hand, he drove his wheels to the parking lot while I waited in the cafe. After that he manage to buy us the most expensive drinks in Starbucks and a cake worth Php.2,000.00. I never expect that I will meet up with a very handsome, rich young man. It was like someone from the royalty dated me. G will be so jealous if he knows that I manage to taste that Php. 2,000.00 worth cake he was talking about.

It was a long and interesting talk then around 11:30 pm I told newboy I must go home. He said "Why go home?" There was something the way he said it to me, a hidden message that is so familiar to me. "Why?" I asked. "I wanted to show you my house, it's just near your place." He said, "Where?" I asked, "ML Village", then I was stunned, the village of the rich. Then there was the flash back of all the meet ups I have long time ago, of the alibi's of going to their house just to talk or drink but I know it will always end on the bed. Indeed G was again right, temptation is strong and I am not divine resist the fact that sex is a part of being mortal, as he always say to me its just common sense.

Half of me wants to go with him (mainly because I will be fucking a young handsome guy) but a part of me said no (because he is young and I should not mud him with all these bad influence). But I fell into temptation, I found myself in his car, we stopped over Foodland in Banilad to buy some Johnny Walker, "at least I will end up drunk, and if ever my partner knows about this I have an alibi that I got drunk and found myself in another person's bed."

His house was big, a mansion with two pools, an electric gate. He has house servants quarters residing a few feet away from his house. "My parents are always not at home." He said, "What about your siblings?" I asked "My brother in Singapore right now working my sister is in France taking up medicine." We went into his room which for me is a smaller house within a house complete with a living room, a separate kitchen a small wine bar and a jacuzzi.

There we sat down, talked, played wii, and just enjoyed the night. I guess I am wrong, we are just here for clean fun, so we enjoyed the night like two brothers fooling around. 4:00 am striked and we are both tired and drunk. We jumped into his bed, but before we could close our eyes, I felt something rushing down, his hands...are there on my prick. I can't deny the fact that I love it, He caresses it. Then I said what else can I do, I am here with him better give everything to what he wants. Yes, we did it. I fuck a boy 10 years younger than me. I should say it is fun, I enjoyed the heat and the friction, we do it from one climax to another, we both don't want to stop what we are doing. We kissed and we have sex.

We woke up very late in the afternoon, around 4:30 pm, I really need to go home I said. He drove me home into the village just a few blocks from his village. When I went home, G was then again right, I felt the guilt inside of me, who am I fooling that I have sex with another man when in fact I can have sex with my own partner, now I am so ruined...but I think he wont know I will just keep it to myself, not unless when somebody will tell my partner what I did... :(

In Cebu...

2011-04-24T03:06:00.000-07:00

My mentor tapped my back and showed me an envelope..."Kid get yourself a vacation...far away from pain...you deserve a break..I will be going to the mountain region..to do some re-connecting with the past and help the young people there...see you labor day..." and so it was a ticket bound for Cebu... 2 weeks with my family, old friends and the hoodlooms that I use to mingle with. It is better in Cebu, I can sigh, I can laugh and I can move freely...maybe because there is the fact that I am at a distance away from him, away from the doubts, away from the pretending, away from the trauma of catching him surfing PR....away from the fact that aside from caring for somebody else's heart by own heart was slowly and painfully wounded...

I thought it was easy as this, free from time to time...but everytime I surf the internet to read some blogs, I am so tempted to create my own PR account and catch him red handed and on site...but who am I fooling, catching a guilty thief just to be hurt inside...thats a stupid move..my mom opened my very old cabinet which I have not touched for years, she took an old 1998 album of Lauren Hill..and then heavens was playing their painful turtor on me again..because while I was thinking of him...the song was "killing me softly" I smiled to the tune while my mother smiled at me with her motherly gesture, she might be thinking that I have recalled my past but in reality....I am recalling of the old days with him

and as the lyrics goes:

"I felt all flushed with fever

Embarrassed by the crowd

I felt he found my letters

And read each one out loud

I prayed that he would finish

But he just kept right on"

I started to feel sad, was I pretending all the time that he loves me? then my mobile phone beeps..it was Sir G:

"My ass hurts, I feel off a 90 degrees slope....the weather is cool in La Trinidad and I will be devouring all the fruits in front of my path...how is Cebu? can you go to my mama's house and tell ma to give you my tool box? I will fix the skateboard...." and then another beep..and it was him: "Hi...miss na kita...when ka uwi? I love you"...and the sequences of confusion went inside my head... a mixture of happiness and sadness, pain and joy..hate and love, doubt and trust..yes I love him... I need him so so much..but there are sometimes how I wish I can give him a taste of his own medicine...

Caught Him Again!

2011-04-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

He was inside our room, when I burst in looking for my mobile phone, then I saw him quickly minimizing PR, I pretend not to see. So I did what I have to and pretend that he was just typing his report. I could not help but rush to the other room, take a deep breath and sigh. My mentors was there too debating on how to do the proposal (again for the very big funding from USA). They look at me as if I am going crazy. "Kid, GET OUT!" Sir G screamed, you don't belong here. But my mind was so blank and my feet so numb by the intense confusion inside me. "Bakit ba siya nag PPR? Nandito naman ako...(why is he surfing PR when he knows he has a partner?)"All I can do is stare at the ceiling blankly, "Get Out!" Sir G shove me out the door, "I dunno what your thinking kid but you have to fix your own mess! I have my own bullshit to fix too...so fuck off!" he yelled..

I left the big apartment, walking the streets until I found myself in Roxas Boulevard. But deep within my heart I keep asking "Why?", "Please can anyone clarify me, why? Is it normal for someone with a partner to surf on PR?" Three days ago I found three pieces of condoms in his pockets while it was hanged on the wall, now he placed password in his loptop.....is it time to say "quits"? Is it time to say "Thats it I give up"? or shall I hold on in the hopes that he will succumb back to me? I am so confused right now. I stood at Baywalk, as cars pass me by, I watch the sky and stare at the stars..."Life, why are you so hard to understand? What do you really want from me? I can't understand your signs, and I cant interpret your symbols, when can you show me kindness?"

All I want is to be happy, to love and be loved in return, to give emphasis on how meaningful life is when you have someone to hold on, someone to touch, someone to hug under the full moon night. Someone who corrects your mistakes and kiss you afterwards.....all I want is to be happy...

Preparation for Farewell

2011-04-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

Bangkok ,Thailand and Sir G was in the next session hall; I can hear his voice arguing with some "Blue" people. They say that he is like his mentor, factual, tough, vulgar, strong. Anyone who dares to stand in front of him will surely be crushed. But before he went to Bangkok, he went to a clash with the high officers of his job. He feel weak, worthless and numb. I look at him in the midst of the battle, he is not him. The vibrant shadows of his eyes was cold and grey, he could not speak and he just went outside and left. That moment that they slammed the door into his face was the day that the world opened up to him. Many offers was made here and abroad.

3 days before the UNGASS, he got back to himself, he received calls from New York, Myanmar, Bangkok, Tokyo, Brussels, Luxembourg, London.....I could say he is one of the "well known" young minds in the field of public health. I smiled "Aba, sir sikat ah!" (Sir your popular), he stood up and sigh, tapped my back "Kid, I think it is time for me to leave, I am of no use in my country anymore..." and my smiled fade, he was like a brother to me, and the moment he will leave will be the time that I will also stop blogging my life. He is the one who told me that blogging will divert my attention and will relieve my stress. But he promised me that when I stop blogging he will be the one who will start to blog so that the legacy will continue.

"Come" he told me, "I will show you something and pointed to Pasig River...you see kid the only constant thing in this world is change and those who refuse to evolve in the ever changing dynamics of life will be left behind. The world is a big place and that is why we have eyes in front of our heads because we are expected to move forward not backwards. Tomorrow is always uncertain, but it is this uncertainty that we are motivated to go forward. The fear of the unknown is so small compared to the courage of hope to step into the unchartered territories. Do not go to the trail already laid to you but rather walk the path less traveled and make a trail there."

"Where do you plan to go?" I asked him, Sir G just smiled and said "To where I am needed, to where I can contribute and grow. To where the wind and my feet well take me, somewhere...", I rolled my eyes, he is always like that always as mysterious. "Kid, you have a long way to go from now on. Time for you to stand on your two feet, the moment you step there with me to that meeting in Bangkok, is the day you will make foot prints in the pages of history." and walking in the pages of history I did, I went into a debate with other people too.

He told me again "When the world you are staying at is getting smaller and smaller by the day and it becomes more familiar and particular everyday, its the day where you also need to step forward to the unchartered world. There is what we call the time of exploration kid, only settle down when the sky above you becomes blue and the sunrise becomes lovely, otherwise the world has set something for you out there. You already have a place here on this life all you need to do is set on the journey to find that."

The moment Sir G will travel again, I think will be the day that I will start to stop hiding in his shadows, I don't have someone to run now...like he said "I need to grow"....

Sometimes....

2011-03-07T20:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in a relationship, there is no need to blame your partner because your relationship falters down, there is no need to point to your partner and say “It’s your entire fault why our relationship broke down!”, because most of the time we fail to acknowledge our own fault why a relationship ends, this is what I learn last Sunday at 3:00 am. My mentor was wide awake looking outside the rainy window. “Sir, not sleepy yet?”, he did not replied. I ignored his stubbornness, he is always like that but then again I saw empty bottles of gin and vodka, and I saw he is holding one more half-empty bottle. “Sir, is there something wrong?” still no reply. Then I start to wonder why, I texted his “Xian Lim” and also no reply. I manage to see his mobile phone and he seems to forget to shut it and so due to my curiosity I sneak a peek and there it was I saw:

“I deserve someone better than you and so do you, I am setting you free GOOD BYE!”

I tried to comfort him saying that he does not deserve him, that he was more greater if he has someone else wrapped around his arms. He laughed at me, “Kid you’re the 100^th person that tried to comfort me, no need to do that.”, he took a glass poured a small amount and passed it to me “Cheers for my stupidity, for being so busy and for being blinded by my work.” I smiled and replied “Hats off to that sir, seems you’re not much as great as I am now.” I went outside and sneaked into his loptop, but I saw I in his facebook chat:

“I am sorry my Xian Lim, I acknowledge my fault on not focusing too much on you, I am so sorry but if you’re happy with your decision then I am happy too. I apologize for my mistakes, if you deserve someone better than me then I think I won’t run after you.”

“Sometimes some people are so tired of chasing other people, sometimes one has just to slow down and walk and let the other person run away from your grasp. Chivalry is dead kid, I am tired, I am not sad, I am just tired and wasted. I have to move forward now, there is no reason to cry over spilled milk, I am not drunk to be sober, I am just celebrating a love that is lost but yet treasured. Amidst the sorrow of losing someone is a happiness to be celebrated that at least somehow there was love even if for a short while.” he said. And so lesson learned, sometimes people don’t get sad or sober when they broke up, they are just celebrating a lost treasure worthy to be lost in time and space, without expecting to be seen again, and just letting it be lost.

There are Just some people

2011-03-04T05:53:00.000-08:00

There are just some idiots who cannot shut up, they have the body but they also have the smallest brain..... ryt >:)

The Baby in the Sky

2011-02-18T14:57:00.000-08:00

Mentor

2011-02-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

Gerard Lecturing Risk and Vulnerability Factors

Gerard in Laos PDR with Fellow TWG

Gerard in His Global Fund Lecture

To the Stomach and not the Brain

2011-02-17T04:08:00.000-08:00

"Okay kids, good job...well done...well done indeed" He tapped our back one by one pointed to the powerpoint presentation and started to discuss the theoretical aspects of our activities. He folded , his arm and asked us "Okay kids, what can you infer from your observation of the bar graph?" He points his finger to a gender vs. HIV prevalence per country bar graph....he walks to one of my classmates and said, remember this kids "Know your epidemic and know your response." the best way to plan against an infection is to work with the people who plays with the infection.

Sir Gerard is one of those people who rings a bell in this side of the town, he has met people from the UN, went to other countries to sit down with other big asses. He helps in planning strategies for global health in communicable diseases and although he is an engineer by profession, he loves his work in public health. But there is one particular lesson that I want to share. last night my TG friend got drunk and sober from the overflowing vodka after the training. "I hate myself" she cried and sobbed, "I don't know what to do." Sir Gerard rolled his eyes and took his notes, and the usual thing he does when he counsel young people, he chats down notes and then asked a series of questions that makes people realize something....

"I am broken, so broken..." She said

"If you are broken, how can you build yourself up?" Gerard replied

"I don't know Gerard, I don't know...I feel like I am wasting myself..."She replied

"How did you know that you waste yourself?" Gerard Asked again

"Damn you Gerard for your direct questions, damn you..." She said

"You see kid, people are like apples, those that are good are up the top portion of the tree, they are hard to harvest, but once the apple picker got them, he knows he can sell them at an expensive price, while there are apples that are not so good and you can find them below the tree and some of them fall to the ground, the apple picker ignores them because he knows that they can be sold at a cheaper value. So which kind of apple are you?" Gerard Asked her

She cried and sobbed and cried even more, "Okay kids" Gerard said to us "If you are in this situation, what is the best way to do to knock out a sober friend?". He took a bottle of vodka placed it in front of our sobbing friend and said "The best way to knock a drunk person is to let him drink more of the alcohol until he looses consciousness" He smiled..."Next time kids remember this....alcohols are made for the stomach and place them to the stomach and not your brain...Because you can never find self value and you can never solve problems just by drinking vodka alone!"

Valentine's War

2011-02-16T04:55:00.000-08:00

Valentine's is not always sweet and cuddly to me these days seems I feel like the reverse of the song:stupid cupid has stopped picking on me, well I think after 1 year of being us... I have a strong feeling that the end is not far from sight, I hate to conclude though. I really am so confused why I gave him the blessing of an open relationship. Feb. 14, 2011 began with a blast of nasty words "Tanga ka talaga (your stupid)". I yelled at him, "Oo tanga ako masaya ka na?! (Yes, I am stupid, happy now?!", "Oo masaya ako na alam mong tanga ka! (yes, I'm happy to know that you know your stupid!)". But deep inside I am also cut, anger driven words from my month, I could not take it any longer, I was like a volcano erupting.

I can protect him from the people around him and defend him at the cost of my life but I realize I cannot protect him from myself. The horror of the things I said left a scar in both of our hearts, I was so guilty why I even shouted those words in the first place. So I was thinking, shall I stay or is it time to let go? Is my hold too loose? I am confused and lost, I love him but something inside me said you have to let go. Damn its quite difficult to be in this situation. What if I will cheat as well? Just to get even? That does not make me a better human being, just because he flaunts on PR and FB does not mean I shout flaunt as well to get even, I am not him and he is not me.

My patience is getting thinner and thinner, I don't know if I can survive this cat and mouse game, I don't know if we are true to each other or just playing pretend. Honestly, I don't want to throw away our 1 year of existence as us, but I should face the facts that no matter how hard you try not to let each other fall, no matter how strong your hold to each other, there are just instances that letting go and falling down is simply and the only way to move on, even if you know that the fall will be hard and the injuries sustained will be great, but for the sake of happiness, sometimes letting go and falling down is the only option then after a long fall and putting up together the broken pieces you will not regain your old self but a new one.

Ironic, we are in a heated fight and we pretend we don't see each other, but we sleep on the same bed, no more hugging though, only our backs face each other. He takes some short glimpses of me, while I take long stares at him. I am really confused...really....why does loving someone can get so complicated as this

There is More to Love than Making Love

2011-02-12T03:26:00.000-08:00

(I found this manuscript in English in 2008 but I saw a diary written in Cebuano dated back 1998 of the same title and the same translation. On the lower right corner of the page I saw: To C.M. I am sorry, and I love you...rest in peace...~Geh)

I am the beast who fell for your beauty, the guy who beats your freaking geek boyfriend because I am jealous to know he screw you at night then talks about it at the locker room with his other geeky friends, I do this because I want to protect you because it hurts me when I hear him say things that you want him because of sex. I know I am just a nobody to you but you know I am happy and I am satisfied that I have loved you even from afar, to see you smile and eat your sandwiches, the way you carry your red lunch box and the purple tie you have along with your pony tail. Do you know, I still have to rush to your school just to see you during our snack time? I am wondering what if we grow old together?

But if I were to ask you if you were still standing here with me, what are the things that makes your LOVE memorable? Was it the sex? Was it the torrid kiss? Was it the long years of being together with him? The countless new years, the countless Christmas? The countless birthdays he spent with you? Was all this worthed for you to give to him yourself? He is cheating on you God Damn it! He is fucking cheating on you! Look at some parents after 25 years of the so called happy marriage they still end up splitting because they are both pretending to be happy for the past 23 years when in fact they are not, both of them denies the fact that one of them is cheating on the other. You think that the 6 years from 1992 to 1998, this geek spent with you he still loves you the way you perceive him to love you?

I wanted you to know that if I was him, I will show you that there is more to love than making love. There is more to love than the friction of our bodies, there is more to love than the kisses at night, there is more to love than the soft whispers of "I love you" every time you come home from a tiring day. There is more to love than the beauty of your face, there is more to love than the radiant glow of the sun on your skin, there is more to love than saving other else's life in the expense of your own life. People may think I don't understand love because I am mean, because I am a bully and because I am a rule breaker. Yes I do, and it is not about the sex, it is about the companionship. Love is not all about me or you but about us, it is not about how you help me or how I help you it is all about how we help each other. But it is too late now, honestly, I ask myself why so early? We could have been friends, being friends was enough for me to keep you safe and away form harm.

I am now standing in front of your grave, holding this letter. I was wondering why I did not saw you for months, it is January now and next month is JS Prom. Your teacher told me you were struck by a backing car after saving a kindergarten and your father came in late to help, I just call him uncle by the way, he asked me my name I told him I'm Mark, your geek boyfriend's brother. I still have to hang your boyfriend and flush his face into the toilet for not helping you and just screaming like a sissy girl while that fucking driver killed you.

I will miss you so much, even if you don't know my name. I will miss your giggles, I will miss how you unpack your sandwich from your red lunch box. I will miss the times to come where we could have known each other. I don't want to say goodbye but I have to, you run to a place where I cannot follow you anymore. you used to stay at the Mormon's Church near my school but not anymore, you are playing with the angels now, too bad I am not an angel and my father said I can never become one. So I will just stay here on earth and watch you up there tonight, dancing among the stars.But may I ask something? What if I told God to take me instead of you? If I was there and saved both of you and died would you love me instead of him?

Taken from:

"Para Sa Akong Hinigugma (For My Love~1998)"

by Sir Gerard

The Hunk, The Model, and the Cute

2011-02-11T20:50:00.000-08:00

I was there sitting in a coffee shop, amidst the Pradas, the Havaianas, the Lacost, the Luis Vuitton. In the seas of loptops: Apple Mach, HP, Dell, Sony, Samsung and Acer and amidst the good looking people there I was sitting in my slippers with feet so dirty, a sweat-drenched t-shirt, a hair like I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. The security looked at me as if I am an alien or a thief, while the bartender looked at me strangely as if I am a clown from a circus visited by Ondoy. Anyway, just before me are three guys. A hunk with a buff chest and big arms, and abs like breads and at his right was a cute guy who keeps on smiling his blood red lips that matches his super white tone and a small chinky eyes and to the left was a model, lean and sporty and I know I saw him in a billboard somewhere.

The physique, the "IT" and the hotness oozing among the three guys, the brands that they wear, the gadgets that they own..eye catching...head turner....fire starters...girls giggle as they pass by and gays act like they want to catch their attention. I smile as I watch the public's reaction. I wonder why people are into the abs....the skin...the chest..the body...the face...I was thinking if my partner will go back to the gym, if he goes to his usual routine of visiting his dermatologist twice a month and will be more hotter than them, he will turn out to be my object for decoration. I will display him around as we hang out in coffee shops, people will be jealous and say I am lucky and he will be the object of desire and I will be the object of envy. But I don't want to have an object for display...because that would be my Gundam Collections I took from my classmate after wacking him with the arm chair way back in high school.

But then again, with a super hot, jaw dropping, sex appeal oozing partner I will be the most suspicious man in the world because I know there are swarm of piranhas behind us waiting for that single mistake; then they will devour our relationship with deception and lies so that they can have my partner for themselves, like a small piece of meat thrown into a pack of hungry wolves. I would be a hypocrite if I say I don't appreciate a well managed body complete with the abs, the chest and the biceps. But I can appreciate someone even more who can blend to my chemistry, someone who knows that the best way to my heart is through my stomach....they can have the body and the sex appeal, they can have the hot man all they need to do is to leave me a person who is a real human (not a man but a human) and not someone who will float when I throw him to the sea.

I love my hubby now, I hug him at night...I hug him while he surfs his PR account, I mess around with the boys who flirts with him and leave them sleeping on the street with a loose tooth. I intentionally turn off the main electricity when I see him watch porn...yes I love my partner...I squeeze him tight...and he squeezes me even tighter with his muscular biceps until I turn blue due to suffocation...yup I love him not only because his hot, or he has the "it" factor...I love him because he makes me feel human.....

I will not Date You on Valentine's Day

2011-02-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

Why in the world should I date you on Feb. 14? After the things you did to me your expecting me to date you outside? I saw you surfing planet romeo, I hear your mobile phone beep at the wee hours of the night, I saw you chatting with those guys on your FB account and still you have the guts to expect that I will date you on Feb. 14?! Hell NO!

Hell NO! Because I will not go out with you! The streets will just be full of traffic and both of us will just end up inside a bus that is also a ticking time bomb and waiting to explode any moment. You well just find me picking my nose in front of you again and then I know what will happen next, you will slap my face because I don't have manners.

Hell NO! Because the streets will be full of lovers and singles. Idiots who think that Valentine's day is the only day in the 365 days cycle to date someone and have sex afterwards. Because there are a lot of singles out there who are also celebrating "Single Awareness Day!". And there will be those "emos" in their black dresses pretending to be sad just to get the pulic's attention.

Hell NO! Because it is expensive to date outside and I just want to be with you here at the comforts of our bed. Because I want to keep you away from the public and all for myself. Because I want to cook with you our favorite pasta. Drink Soda and eat popcorns.

Hell NO! Because I want to have a movie marathon with you, and pamper you when the movie gets so cheesy and hide behind your back when the movie gets too scary.

Hell NO! because your still stuck up in my mind even if you surf planet romeo or watch porn movies...

Hell NO! Because I want you here with me....

Thats the reason why I don't want to date you on Feb 14!

The Value of Life

2011-02-11T08:15:00.001-08:00

As I was looking at the night sky with countless dazzling stars, I began to contemplate on my value, as I lost my consciousness in the vast empty space before me, I began to ask: "Who am I?.... Why am I here?...... What am I for?...... What is life?....... What is the value of life?........ Where am I going?..... All of us are walking a journey, on a path unknown leading us to a place that is based on the choices that we choose, on the options that we tend to follow and on the decisions that we tend to make."

"Life is human, life is tangible, life is emotions, life is change. Life is a gradual process of growth, a cycle of birth, degeneration and death. But what is life to those who seek the material wealth of living? What is life to those who seek vanity? What is life to those who seek wisdom? What is life to those who serve for the common good? What is life to you?"

"If life then is happiness, how do you define happiness? Is it the satisfaction of the hunger that you have? Is it the contentment that fills an empty heart? Or is it the fulfillment of a day's work? Is it the to have and to hold the things that you yearn for? Is it the love that you found? There is more mystery to life, more than the birth of a newborn or the death of the old. The universe is a wide expansion of space in which we are but a speck of dust. The mechanics of life is more than the daily routine, it is more than the stretch of a smile, the laugh of a friend, the hug of a loved one. The dynamics of life is more than just a competition for a living, more than the survival of the fittest. Because the main mechanics of life and the dynamics in which we are all bound and the main essence of living is the pursuit of happiness.

Life is a constant struggle of doubts and trusts, of night and day, of good and evil. But these struggles only comes to be because we are in a pursuit of the things that we desire, the things that we need and the things that we want. However, two sides compliments each other. We can never yearn peace if we don't experience war, we can never value life if we never experience loss and we will never seek happiness if we never felt sadness. We do not realize that we are the masters of our own desires, we contemplate on what we need or what we want and we seek on a series of processes to turn what we contemplate on into a reality. We need love so we seek love, we feel sad so we seek happiness, we have satisfaction so we want more. Life is a mystery only to be uncovered by the person who seeks to solve the mystery of being alive, to calm the uproars of the soul, to heal a wounded heart, to serve, to help, to lead, to contemplate. Many people complain that life is full of tears, full of sorrows and full of sadness but they do not know that they are the ones who dictate the course of their own life. I am sad because I choose to be sad, because I feel the emptiness in my heart and seeks to fell the void within. You are happy because you choose to be happy, to love even if that same amount of love is not reciprocated back to you. You offer your heart in an open hand.

But for the rest, who are bewildered by the madness of daily living, they have failed to see the joys in simple things. Some people become bitter when they know they have lost a loved one, some resort to self destruction, greed and lust to feel accepted but we cannot blame them for they too have the limitations, but they think these limitations can be filled by the material world only to find out that the only way to cure self worthlessness is to find out your worth, to regain your life is simply to determine your value, as a child of the universe. Remember this: no one is greater and lesser than we are, for each of us has a story rightful in the pages of time and worthy to be listened to. In the dynamics of the universe there is no such thing as poor or wealthy, benevolent or malevolent, high or low but there is only self worth, the value of your life is not based upon your material success or the tangible rewards because the true value of life is based upon how happy you are of the result.

Find your self worth and you will find your self, you can begin to walk on your journey to the path to where you want to be, for happiness is never the journey but the destination. Whatever the result is as long as it will make you and the people around you to be happy, as long as it benefits not only yourself but the whole universe then do it, because the pursuit of happiness is a road less understood and a path less taken"

Now going back to where I was, my soul came back to my body and found myself holding a cup waiting for the coffee seeds to be brewed..... Oh my goodness I feel like I am the reincarnation of Paracelsus!

Taken from:
"The Essence of Being Human"
by Gerard D. Ompad
(A simpleton, a mentor, a geek...always misunderstood)

For an Open or Close Relationship

2011-02-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

Well, I wont complain or even bother to think why my partner is scanning his "PR" account. When we were in Bangkok with some of our friends for the training and some "vacation" I told him he can hook surf his account and hook up with other guys but I only need to promise me one thing, he should do it with protection and he should sleep before 12:00 am, in that way he wont be stressed and keep his count perfect. The moment I told him I gave him my blessing to hook up he got mad, and I wonder why. Is he made because he is guilty I caught him surfing "PR" and guilty that I gave him permission to hook up with other guys or is he mad because what I perceived him to be is not true.

But what he does not know is that I understand him and I understand that in this kind of relationship, either one of the party or both will have a tendency to play around. But for me, after 1 year of having him all I can say is I simply cant let go because my heart has its own reasons in which my reasons cannot know. He can play around, he can have fun all I want from him is that after the day he comes back home to me, I don't care if I am something common in his sight all I care is that I have a special part in his heart.

I am sick of telling people not to do this and not to do that, if he is happy with what he is doing then I am there to support, why should I be angry in the first place when in the beginning I chose him over the others. I am not a martyr, I am just facing reality that human as we are, we still belong to the kingdom of animals equipped with the libido. I am sick and tired of the cyclic act of revenge, I could shot all the people whom he sleeps with with a bullet on the head but I rather not.

But I am angry of myself, I am so angry because I cannot stand up to him in times where there is someone in his mind, if I can only dare to walk naked in front of him when he is thinking of somebody else, sometimes I ask myself, is it my responsibility to have sex with him so that I can keep him for myself? My morals are slowly degrading, I feel angry at myself and I don't know why, is it because I can't face the reality or is it because I am starting to feel insecure.

Ganyan Ba Talaga ang mga Posit?Mga salawahan or sadyang malandi lang?("Are the PLHIV like that?Swingers or just always on the go?")

2010-10-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

It has been 5 months, and I have observed his sudden changed of behavior. He hurts me more frequently and he is more moody than ever. He commands me around and gets angry if I dont get things right. I did not expect these changes would come but I know it will come. Then suddenly he changes much, he locks his phone and hides if ever someone texted him. I surfs Planet Romeo more frequently and he chats with "good looking guys" on facebook that makes me loose my self worth. One of my friend advised me to give him the benefits of the doubt, that they may just be his friends. But these came weird and not normal and I am not used to it. But if I truly love him then come what may I should love him. whether he do it with other guys or not. But the other side of me said I should not be a martyr,I should not be blind and I should stand up and ask him if he still have the vibes for me. While the other side says that I should stay firm and let him be him, do whatever he pleases because he loves me and at the end of the day its going ot be me whom he will be seeking in the night.

What hurts me most is his more frequent moods swings.He punches me more often, he is quite becoming unfair. He always judges me while he is there lying on bed, dictating what things I should do or not do. But I cannot leave him behind not because he needs me with his condition but because I need him, like what I said he makes me feel human. I am aware that he is living with HIV and I don't know if it is their nature to be "itchy" and or just two timers. I don't know if it's their nature that they easily get bored. All in all I am loosing my self worth. Is he slowly slipping away from my hold or is my hold to loose for him?

Then came the most painful part: I saw condoms in his bag, but still I did not cast a greater and darker shadow with his actions, because I do not know his motives of carrying the condom. Could he be doing it with another guy? I doubted, "No" I keep it in mind, he loves me and I love him and that's everything that matters to me...but it bothers me inside why he carries the condom, what is his motives? Should I start to worry and ferret him around his daily trips? Will we end up in an open relationship? or will we end in a not so happy ending?... am casting my fears...my fear that even the most wisest of the advice cannot contemplate....I am now casting worries, worries that I might find someone who will take my attention and care away from him, a fear that I might end up with another guy.....my fear of ending the "us" that I wanted to build...What will I do? What will I say?....I am confused and bothered....

Loving Someone (Living with HIV): The Drama Nights (A sequel)

2010-07-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

It was midnight, we just got home from Alex's house (Remember dying young? the 18 year old boy living with HIV, we regard him as our mother). We just slept 3 hours during the whole day because we were the organizers of our leadership conference. "I am not feeling well" he said to me, I just ignored his words and thinking its just a fever that would just pass by. I went out to buy us food for our dinner and some medicine to lower down his temperature. He SMS me thrice telling me to get home as quick as I can, but since the dinner was delayed behind the cafeteria kitchen I have to wait for 30 minutes more.

When I went inside the door, I noticed him covered in blanket, "SHIT! your temperature is HIGH!" I said, He shove off my hands and said "Go AWAY! I don't need you". At that moment I panicked, my mind was clouded, I could not think what to do, I called Alex and told me all he need is a dose of medicine. But still I was blinded I don't know what to do the only thing that came into my mind was to hug him real tight, he cried. I can feel his tears flowing on my arms "Why did God do this to me? What have I done wrong?" He asked me. I could not answer his question all I can do was to cry with him. I feel worthless at that moment, I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say:I just cried.

I felt that I am responsible for his miseries because I was not there when he experienced the pain. I hug him real tight and I blame myself for his situation now. I asked God how could he be so cold and unfair. Right there I contested His divinity, to take my life for the life of my partner. Stop his pain for the price of my soul. But no answer, I just cried and wished that if I could only find a way to make him feel better.

But in the course of that painful night I learned one thing, I learn to value that crying is a form of consolation. I learn that to share one's pain is one way to show that you love someone. I learn that pain makes us humans and it makes us realize that we are not perfect, yet it is through pain that we realize that we should strive to live and move forward. Pain is not there to inflict us with sorrow, it is there to make us realize that sometimes we need a little drama to know that we love someone.

Falling Inlove With Someone (Living with HIV), the sequel to falling inlove with someone..

2010-07-16T06:11:00.000-07:00

The moment I confirmed he has the condition, I fall to pieces. Yes, I cried hiding from his sight. I cried not because he has the condition, I cried because I was not there to stop him from contracting it, for three days I blamed myself for not being there for him during the first few days of his new life. I wallow, and self pity, but as I look at him living each life every moment I learn to follow him: Live Life to the Fullest. Every night as I lay beside him I tell a little star in the dark sky for a bargain, my life for his life. I am willing to give up my soul just to save his life. In the morning I manage to wake up before him to see the sunlight reflects on his white skin. A beautiful glow from a magnificent creature, far more gallant than the unicorn, far more majestic than the phoenix, yet far more delicate than the petal of the rarest orchid.

I know the consequence of loving him, I know the ignorance of the society around us will try to tear what we have. That is why I need to stand not for him but for us. I need to defend not only his rights but our rights as one person. Yes, I will experience many persecution from the community around me, but I pity them for they do not understand the magic that binds me and him as one. This is the force that will protect as, as long as I am holding his hands and as long as he is holding mine, I will urge him to walk with me to the horizon. I will shield him along the way, I will shield him against the pointing fingers, I will protect him form the belittling words, I will stand up for us. Yes, the odds maybe great yet I know that with "us" together, we can turn the tides around. Remember how small was Daniel when he toppled down the titan Goliath.

In the battle of our ancestors there is one thing that I learn: "Move forward against the odds, for if you already know that odds are against you then you have the greatest chance of preparing for battle". There is hope, it is the greatest gift that the heavens have blessed men. We need to use it well, for if all things fail only hope can give us the gift of sanity and the courage to face tomorrow. In the process of my life when I confirmed his condition, I learn to value every moment of us being together, I learn to accept the blessings of what love can offer every second. As I close my eyes as he kisses me, as his soft wet lips patted my barren dry lips, I can feel the sensation of happiness. So much happiness I can't help but to shed a little tear. The world seems to stop!

I learn to appreciate life because of him, how laughter heals sickness, how silence can tell so much about us being together, how a simple holding of a hand can make a difference in this cold and harsh world. He made me feel human, he made me feel alive. Alive more than before...But most of all I treasure how we valued each other not only as a human being but as creation of the universe that needs to love and be loved in return.

To you my dear partner "I LOVE YOU..."

Falling in love with someone (Part 1)

2010-06-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

It is quite difficult to fall in love again and it is more difficult to prove your love, especially if you have a history of hitting then running. But when you meet this person which gives you butterflies in the stomach, all the madness in the world seems to stop and all the logic and rationalism seems to freeze with time. You simply cant help but to be with him all the moment. A date, a lunch,a dinner or just a simple conversation which feels like a momentary bliss which seems to halt time for a million decades but seems to pass by so swiftly like a half of a second. But that does not matter, because you feel like a human being around him no matter how many dozen punches, slaps and pinches you absorb from him it's okay because you know you make him feel happy and you can smile in his own little masochistic manners.

Yes, such is the curse of love you will crave for more until it will choke you to death. Like the little creatures in happy tree friends, it will wriggle out of you and then slice you to thin tidbits. But I will not mind and I will not feel bad about it since from the contemplation of love all seems to soften even the roaring heart of a dragon. Yes, he got me straight in the heart, like a hot water being mix with a hard ready to cook noodle. But there is more to love than making love they say, it is more of knowing each other and compromise with each other's failures and weaknesses, for in the this circus called love there is only one basic rule: to love and be loved in return, to confess your emotions and transform it into actions, to profess you heart and sacrifice it on your open hands without a fear of being hurt because you trust him to take care of it.

Love is not about being a slut neither it is about bitching around, it is not about lust, love is not about gaining benefits or about having a profitable income at the end but it is about sharing what you have and what he is willing to share. Neither of you has the right to gain or to loose because both of you does not move or breath or live as separate individuals but as a single entity working hand in hand as one.

Love too has the uncertainties, but these are challenges one needs to face for without it how can love grow? How will love mature without trials and tribulations? What matters is not upon the problem that you are facing but on how you face the problems and pave way to a solution that neither one of you will sacrifice to let go.

As for me Love is in the air and I am willing to risk the pointing fingers of the naive public, as for you what more can I say but I am willing to wait for that sweet "yes" from you.

Sex Maniac (Frenzy: www.youthaidsfilipinasalliance.org)

2010-06-04T05:09:00.000-07:00

I wake up every week days early in the morning. In my little hut that barely fits the definition of a home. I give my mom a morning greetings and get myself ready for school. Every break time I go to the library, read the daily news and then I do advance studies. After school i rush for my work then at the end of the day I go home and finish my study before I lay on the small bed mat peacefully placed in the floor. Such is the routine I do every weekdays. I am diligent, industrious and a responsible son. Barely even having the stains of vices, I rarely drink, I never smoke and I abhor drugs.

But when 12:00 A.M of Saturday strikes, I rush to go on chat, open my friends listing account, and for countless hours i stay there and wait, like a hungry wolf prowling for a victim. I wait and wait. Then suddenly, the IM buzzes and My day begins with a sequence of lustful pleasure. Sequences of hook-ups, girls, boys, lesbians, people younger than me and people older than me. Flesh to flesh with no protection, naked and bare, sweaty and steaming. The friction and heat of the body contacts makes my body yearn for more. MY insatiable appetite for sex as sheer pleasure cannot be quenched. I yearn for it and I hunger for more.

Finding a partner is not hard for me, because having the the looks and the body makes me a good candidate for a commitment free one night stands. And that is the other face of my pesona that only my sex partners know, the boy that is good only in sex. Yet deep inside, I know it is wrong, I know it is dangerous and I know I am at risk but still I pursue to feed my hunger for flesh.

At the eve of Sunday, as I walk home, I know I have done something wrong. But the other side of me is fulfilled, i have completed a weekend of "fun" as so my evil entity defined it. Yes, I am a sex maniac, I am a cheater and a player. I use people for pleasure. As I grow older, I began to lessen this habit but still I go on hook-ups once in every blue moon, still bare and still naked.

But every after the climax of my evil act I have committed again to the will of the evil inside me, and consciously I know its wrong, its all wrong! I wanted to quit but it has become a habit. Sex gives me a place of refuge, it gives me comfort, and yes the wrong sense of belonging, the sense that gives me the wrong impulses that I am wanted, that I have a value, a wrong sense that I have a friend and I am a human being.

Trust me, its hard to wake up in the evenings thinking that my life is at risk, even if the realizations I have are making a moral consciousness inside me, I just cant quit. I realized I need help, even more than before. Fear, anger and guilt have consumed me and instead of making me stop, it feeds my hunger to have more. I start to shy away from society, to think that I am unclean and different, that I manifested the lowly beast trapped inside a human body.

I need help, I realize I need a friend who can share with me, a friend who does not only want me for sex but a friend who can really hit me when I do something wrong, a friend who can correct me and a friend who understands. Right now, I want myself to be tested for the disease I want to be tested, I need to be tested, I have a social responsibility to protect the people around me, so I am knocking at your hearts, to spare me from the painful judgment and the pointing of fingers, spare me from the painful scrutinies, Please help me, I am just one part of a bigger community who live their life with the insatiable hunger for sex, because we are so consumed by the wrong impulses we attained from doing it

Red Light Night In Manila

2010-06-04T04:26:00.000-07:00

When I first landed in Manila, I asked my friend "Where is the red light district here?" He gave me a smirked and by the look of his face I know he has no idea where....He told me places like gateway in which he coined as "GAY-WAY". I laughed at his words knowing that gays will flock there at night like hungry little birds tweeting for food!, but anyhow I will soon going to visit the legendary "GAY-WAY" just to see whats around there. My first night in Manila was rough! It was all different, and in Tondo and Quiapo, everyone was very tough to handle. After all I am not established here yet, unlike in Cebu where mobs, goons, mafias and gangs recognizes me as the "Kubyerta" (a gang term for "Mediator"-a middle ranked negotiator who is privileged to obtain mob immunity-no one can harm me except the leaders of the group) but here in Manila everything is a different story, I am no kubyerta here and the immunity I obtain in central Visayas is not applicable in Luzon, a Mafia rule termed as Inpluwensya "the code of geographical influence".

It was near late evening and I was walking near SM Manila, just below the Central Station LRT, I noticed a flock of girls. The way they look at me was very familiar, the way female sex worker looked at me back in Cebu. So I shoved my curiosity off and started to walk towards them. I met Annie, she is 18 and she is a free lance sex trader in Manila, She told me it's her first time in Central Station and she finds it tough to find a customer here. Unlike Subic, she said. I can have a "buyer" in every corner of the alley. I told her I came from Cebu and I asked here what it is like to be a "pok pok" in Manila.

"Ang Hirap!"(so difficult) she told me, "Ginagawa ko lang to para may makakain kami" (I am [just] doing this to feed my family). A story that is not uncommon to my ear. "How old are you when you got sex trading?" I asked "Ano po?" she replied, and there I know that she is slow in English so I need to translate it in tagalog, the problem is I am not good in tagalog. She told me she started at the age of 15, again it was not uncommon to me, I met girls as young as 7 years old in Cebu giving sex to old foreign guys.

I can read her motifs, she is zero that night and no customers. "Mahirap sa Manila, may curfew dito at stricto ang mga police sa amin, minsan nga dinadakip kami para makalabas kami hinahayaan nalang namin na magsex kami para makalaya kami. I raised my eye brows and said "really?!, Pag nakilala ko mga gagong yun, makikita nila pano magalit mga Cebuano!" to give here comfort. It was near 10:00 p.m and I said to her I must go to my boarding house, I asked her if she will be here the next night, she told me "Hindi [kami], nagiistambay ng isang lugar, dapat kami palipat lipat para makakuha ng daddy...wala kasi kaming mamasan na nagmamanage sa amin..." I laughed at her statement though I know she said it seriously, so I went on to find a jeep home...I looked at her heavy burdened face that manages to give me a smile, "Sana kuya magkita tayo uli sa panahon na nakakaahon na ako sa buhay para mapakilala ako uli sayo hindi bilang isang pokpok" she said, and I replied " Magkikita tayo, Pohon"(A mistake that confirmed my Cebuano Ethnicity).......and I know that night is the start of my new misadventures here in Manila. And I am expecting colorful happenings to come!

Cebu Prostitution is Getting Younger

2010-01-19T08:24:00.001-08:00

Insomnia struck me again, as I browse through the local channels. I so happen to pass at a documentary by Kara David and her fellow research journalist. It was about taxi service, of young girls, boys and gays giving sex service to taxi drivers or to any customer. I was heart broken, to see young children willing to sell their body for money. What was more shocking was when a young gay prostitute at the age of 11 commented in an unclear manner:"mas limpyo man kuno ang mga bayot walay sakit, mga babae hugaw daw, kanang HIV bah..." as he innocently tapped his lips indicating blow jobs are safer
When he commented this I jaw dropped, I speculated that he have the false notion oral sex is safe.
What was more shocking was when I saw an 11 year old girl and an 11 year old gay prostitute in action of searching for what they call "prospects". I was heart broken. I could not imagine that I, a Cebuano citizen, have over passed to see this activity when in fact I myself also walk the nightly corners of the street to pass away my sleeplessness. As I walked through the ghastly corners of Capitol and Escario, as I stride through Junquera, filled with pimps, As I gazed along the robber infested streets of colon, the lively flea market in Jones and the unsleepy market of Carbon. I never expected that I these little children that plays the murderous lonely streets of the night was selling their body, I see them laugh, I see them jump and chase each other, I see them shout on the street as if the world is theirs. Yet behind their laughter is a sad face hidden. As the documentary goes on, every details of the story hit me like a hard stone. I said to myself:"This happens not because the government has no actions to stop this, but because people like me have allowed this to happen"

Children not at peace in their home, children of hungry mouths, children of poverty. At first i was so convinced that I have no power to change the already existing facts, but then again as I look at the mirror and imagined myself in their situation, it would be a hard struggle. These children are in a battle, and every night as they stroll on the street, waving for costumers, they never realize that they are slowly loosing the cruel war. I want to save them, I want to help them, I want them to be as children. I agree to what Kara David said , Sinulog is not just a celebration of Sto. Nino but it is a celebration showing how important little children are to God.

After the documentary, I quickly dressed myself up and walked through the lonely nights. And indeed it was true, little boys, girls and gays on the street waiting to be picked up. I stand there helpless, watching these little kids and worried. I just placed my hands inside my pockets hoping they wont be the next victims of the cruel and unfair business they are in, as i turned back to walk a long way home, I saw in front of me a little girl sleeping at the corner of the street, a taxi stopped in front of her, she woke up and quickly ran into the taxi. A few old men laugh at the side as they try to savor the last drop of the gin they are drinking, I looked them in thier eyes, and in my mind I hope they realize that what just happened is not a laughing matter.

for more information about the I-witness documentary by Kara David please watch the link below: (Taxi Serbis)

I watch this sad documentray, I already arranged them in order:
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFEUz1pAWdA
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hc02TyyP9Qg&feature=related
3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khRHDy4IODA&feature=related

"Changing"

2009-12-12T06:16:00.000-08:00

Looking at the past, we can recall memories of our lives. Fun memories that makes us laugh, sad memories that makes us frown, stupid memories that makes us smile, and unforgettable mistakes that makes us realize we have to change for the better.

But change is not an overnight general overhaul, it means slow and gradual modifications of what we are and transform it into what we want to be, for the better or for the worse. Changing for the worse is easy to achieve while changing for the better is a very tough road to walk. Believe me, stumbles and failures will greet you along the way, but wallow not because if you pursue your goals you will get to where you want to be.

Changing a bad habit is very hard, for me I would be lying if I say that sex does'nt give me the gist anymore, it still do and maybe it will be for a few months or so. But slowly does it says the saying, slowly but surely. There is no need to rush, no need to run and no need to account for the time. Dont hasten to change or you will just end up bitter and foul.

Changes wont come for you, you should be the one who plans for it. It will take decades, if not a long time for change to occur. But changes will be changes that is the only constant thing on earth. Keep your eyes open for good oppurtunities that will help you uplift and catalyze your projects for change, I believe that in difficult times, chances always favor the prepared mind and the equipped of heart.

Change need not be extravagant, need not be expensive and need not be gallant. Remember that the best changes are those changes that will make you happy and this happiness will radiate to the people around you. Always change for the better, and through this we all can start living a life of positive changes.

Impulsive Fucker

2009-12-09T09:24:00.000-08:00

So what's your impulse?Are you an impulsive shopper?Are you an impulsive gamer?Are you an impulsive gossiper or even an impulsive neighbor observer? We have different kind of careless and unnecessary action, needless to say, I am a picky yet impulsive fucker. I fuck girls and boys of all ages, of nearly all nationality. The only person I haven't fuck is human's distant relatives:the primates.

Call me dirty and call me sick, but before you do that think about the things you have done. Don't be such a hypocrite judging the people around you of their mistakes when you, yourself, is also a certified sinner, who undoubtedly loves to commit to your guilty pleasure too . Hey, we are all humans, and humans as we are we have our own short coming. Too bad for me, my short comings are far way shorter than yours. In personal I don't talk too much about myself, scared to be judged by the society which, like the normal days, control the way we think.

I used to take pride of myself as a relationship breaker, the third party, the de-virginizer. I am both gifted in mind and in sex, no other boys can understand the language of Albert Einstein and at the same time understands the kamasutra than me. Yes, I think everyone who have tried sex would agree with me, sex is fun, sex is pleasure and sex is that big "O" after the steamy actions.

I would be lying if I say, I can quit sex tonight, no I cant because a habit is hard to break, but slowly I am trying to let loose of that old addiction. If you are hit hard with a rock on the head you will realize that sex is not for recreation but for pro-creation. Sex is not just an activity of pleasure and desire but it is emotion in action.

The journey I have traveled was very long and the path was bounded with confusion, the road was dark and the way was cold. The only people who can understand me are those people who have walked the same path as I have. Sex, sex, sex! Nothing can give that sensation of pleasure than orgasmic pleasure. yes, what is there to hide? If you try it yourself I know you will agree.

But does my action justify me as a human being? Does my action define the real me? the answer is simple "NO" I am the human being who is a victim of corporal desires. Like you I am also misunderstood. So try to understand me, I am struggling to change my lifestyle.

So if you are the stereotypical "God"-fearing hypocrite who does nothing but judge and point finger, stop it it wont do any help. Your pointing of fingers, your scrutinies wont help it will just make things worse, so just shut your mouth and move on with your life.

The best way for people like me to change is not to be scrutinized but to be understood like human beings...because at the end of the day, it's not your judging that is counted, not the wealth you own but at the end of the day it's the number of people that you have helped that will sum into blessings of life.

Tell Me......

2009-12-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

I am a of a perfect definition a human being, I am susceptible to temptation, I am prone to a surmountable amount of mistakes, and I am always open to criticism. Yes, I am the perfect definition of a stereotypical human. I am the sinner who never fails to commit a sin, I am a fool who loves to be fooled, I am the dark side of the moon, I am the subject of the joke, I am the daily topic of gossips, I am the beggar on the street, I am the poverty stricken man, I am the sick, I am the ugly and I have the capacity to do evil.

But then again, I am the perfect definition of human being, for behind my short comings, I am the vessel of hope. I am born with hands to care, a soul to understand and a mind to respect. For human beings may falter and will give into their most sinful desires, we also have the capacity to forgive. What has been done is done, let the past be a lesson and a foundation to what is ahead.

Do not see your past mistake as a curse and never treat its consequence as a punishment. Remember mistakes are like exams, there is a lesson to be learned. And the same mistake will happen again and again until you fully realize the lesson that it wants you to learn.

We are all created equal, yet we are born in many diverse way. It is done this manner because each of us, no matter how big or small we are in our society has a purpose to fulfill, right now I am starting my own long journey, and it all starts here in this little step. Slowly realizing,I have a purpose of living and that is to serve. We all have stories to tell, and I am willing to listen to your tales of heroism and defeat, without the stain of judgmental reactions, I just want to know the pages of your life, who knows you might be the rainbow that will end another person's tragic life.

So tell me, whats your story? remember that:
"To Human is to err, but to forgive is divine"....