It has been 5 months, and I have observed his sudden changed of behavior. He hurts me more frequently and he is more moody than ever. He commands me around and gets angry if I dont get things right. I did not expect these changes would come but I know it will come. Then suddenly he changes much, he locks his phone and hides if ever someone texted him. I surfs Planet Romeo more frequently and he chats with "good looking guys" on facebook that makes me loose my self worth. One of my friend advised me to give him the benefits of the doubt, that they may just be his friends. But these came weird and not normal and I am not used to it. But if I truly love him then come what may I should love him. whether he do it with other guys or not. But the other side of me said I should not be a martyr,I should not be blind and I should stand up and ask him if he still have the vibes for me. While the other side says that I should stay firm and let him be him, do whatever he pleases because he loves me and at the end of the day its going ot be me whom he will be seeking in the night.
What hurts me most is his more frequent moods swings.He punches me more often, he is quite becoming unfair. He always judges me while he is there lying on bed, dictating what things I should do or not do. But I cannot leave him behind not because he needs me with his condition but because I need him, like what I said he makes me feel human. I am aware that he is living with HIV and I don't know if it is their nature to be "itchy" and or just two timers. I don't know if it's their nature that they easily get bored. All in all I am loosing my self worth. Is he slowly slipping away from my hold or is my hold to loose for him?
Then came the most painful part: I saw condoms in his bag, but still I did not cast a greater and darker shadow with his actions, because I do not know his motives of carrying the condom. Could he be doing it with another guy? I doubted, "No" I keep it in mind, he loves me and I love him and that's everything that matters to me...but it bothers me inside why he carries the condom, what is his motives? Should I start to worry and ferret him around his daily trips? Will we end up in an open relationship? or will we end in a not so happy ending?... am casting my fears...my fear that even the most wisest of the advice cannot contemplate....I am now casting worries, worries that I might find someone who will take my attention and care away from him, a fear that I might end up with another guy.....my fear of ending the "us" that I wanted to build...What will I do? What will I say?....I am confused and bothered....
