Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Falling in love with someone (Part 1)

It is quite difficult to fall in love again and it is more difficult to prove your love, especially if you have a history of hitting then running. But when you meet this person which gives you butterflies in the stomach, all the madness in the world seems to stop and all the logic and rationalism seems to freeze with time. You simply cant help but to be with him all the moment. A date, a lunch,a dinner or just a simple conversation which feels like a momentary bliss which seems to halt time for a million decades but seems to pass by so swiftly like a half of a second. But that does not matter, because you feel like a human being around him no matter how many dozen punches, slaps and pinches you absorb from him it's okay because you know you make him feel happy and you can smile in his own little masochistic manners.

Yes, such is the curse of love you will crave for more until it will choke you to death. Like the little creatures in happy tree friends, it will wriggle out of you and then slice you to thin tidbits. But I will not mind and I will not feel bad about it since from the contemplation of love all seems to soften even the roaring heart of a dragon. Yes, he got me straight in the heart, like a hot water being mix with a hard ready to cook noodle. But there is more to love than making love they say, it is more of knowing each other and compromise with each other's failures and weaknesses, for in the this circus called love there is only one basic rule: to love and be loved in return, to confess your emotions and transform it into actions, to profess you heart and sacrifice it on your open hands without a fear of being hurt because you trust him to take care of it.

Love is not about being a slut neither it is about bitching around, it is not about lust, love is not about gaining benefits or about having a profitable income at the end but it is about sharing what you have and what he is willing to share. Neither of you has the right to gain or to loose because both of you does not move or breath or live as separate individuals but as a single entity working hand in hand as one.

Love too has the uncertainties, but these are challenges one needs to face for without it how can love grow? How will love mature without trials and tribulations? What matters is not upon the problem that you are facing but on how you face the problems and pave way to a solution that neither one of you will sacrifice to let go.

As for me Love is in the air and I am willing to risk the pointing fingers of the naive public, as for you what more can I say but I am willing to wait for that sweet "yes" from you.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Sex Maniac (Frenzy: www.youthaidsfilipinasalliance.org)

I wake up every week days early in the morning. In my little hut that barely fits the definition of a home. I give my mom a morning greetings and get myself ready for school. Every break time I go to the library, read the daily news and then I do advance studies. After school i rush for my work then at the end of the day I go home and finish my study before I lay on the small bed mat peacefully placed in the floor. Such is the routine I do every weekdays. I am diligent, industrious and a responsible son. Barely even having the stains of vices, I rarely drink, I never smoke and I abhor drugs.

But when 12:00 A.M of Saturday strikes, I rush to go on chat, open my friends listing account, and for countless hours i stay there and wait, like a hungry wolf prowling for a victim. I wait and wait. Then suddenly, the IM buzzes and My day begins with a sequence of lustful pleasure. Sequences of hook-ups, girls, boys, lesbians, people younger than me and people older than me. Flesh to flesh with no protection, naked and bare, sweaty and steaming. The friction and heat of the body contacts makes my body yearn for more. MY insatiable appetite for sex as sheer pleasure cannot be quenched. I yearn for it and I hunger for more.

Finding a partner is not hard for me, because having the the looks and the body makes me a good candidate for a commitment free one night stands. And that is the other face of my pesona that only my sex partners know, the boy that is good only in sex. Yet deep inside, I know it is wrong, I know it is dangerous and I know I am at risk but still I pursue to feed my hunger for flesh.

At the eve of Sunday, as I walk home, I know I have done something wrong. But the other side of me is fulfilled, i have completed a weekend of "fun" as so my evil entity defined it. Yes, I am a sex maniac, I am a cheater and a player. I use people for pleasure. As I grow older, I began to lessen this habit but still I go on hook-ups once in every blue moon, still bare and still naked.

But every after the climax of my evil act I have committed again to the will of the evil inside me, and consciously I know its wrong, its all wrong! I wanted to quit but it has become a habit. Sex gives me a place of refuge, it gives me comfort, and yes the wrong sense of belonging, the sense that gives me the wrong impulses that I am wanted, that I have a value, a wrong sense that I have a friend and I am a human being.

Trust me, its hard to wake up in the evenings thinking that my life is at risk, even if the realizations I have are making a moral consciousness inside me, I just cant quit. I realized I need help, even more than before. Fear, anger and guilt have consumed me and instead of making me stop, it feeds my hunger to have more. I start to shy away from society, to think that I am unclean and different, that I manifested the lowly beast trapped inside a human body.

I need help, I realize I need a friend who can share with me, a friend who does not only want me for sex but a friend who can really hit me when I do something wrong, a friend who can correct me and a friend who understands. Right now, I want myself to be tested for the disease I want to be tested, I need to be tested, I have a social responsibility to protect the people around me, so I am knocking at your hearts, to spare me from the painful judgment and the pointing of fingers, spare me from the painful scrutinies, Please help me, I am just one part of a bigger community who live their life with the insatiable hunger for sex, because we are so consumed by the wrong impulses we attained from doing it

Red Light Night In Manila

When I first landed in Manila, I asked my friend "Where is the red light district here?" He gave me a smirked and by the look of his face I know he has no idea where....He told me places like gateway in which he coined as "GAY-WAY". I laughed at his words knowing that gays will flock there at night like hungry little birds tweeting for food!, but anyhow I will soon going to visit the legendary "GAY-WAY" just to see whats around there. My first night in Manila was rough! It was all different, and in Tondo and Quiapo, everyone was very tough to handle. After all I am not established here yet, unlike in Cebu where mobs, goons, mafias and gangs recognizes me as the "Kubyerta" (a gang term for "Mediator"-a middle ranked negotiator who is privileged to obtain mob immunity-no one can harm me except the leaders of the group) but here in Manila everything is a different story, I am no kubyerta here and the immunity I obtain in central Visayas is not applicable in Luzon, a Mafia rule termed as Inpluwensya "the code of geographical influence".

It was near late evening and I was walking near SM Manila, just below the Central Station LRT, I noticed a flock of girls. The way they look at me was very familiar, the way female sex worker looked at me back in Cebu. So I shoved my curiosity off and started to walk towards them. I met Annie, she is 18 and she is a free lance sex trader in Manila, She told me it's her first time in Central Station and she finds it tough to find a customer here. Unlike Subic, she said. I can have a "buyer" in every corner of the alley. I told her I came from Cebu and I asked here what it is like to be a "pok pok" in Manila.

"Ang Hirap!"(so difficult) she told me, "Ginagawa ko lang to para may makakain kami" (I am [just] doing this to feed my family). A story that is not uncommon to my ear. "How old are you when you got sex trading?" I asked "Ano po?" she replied, and there I know that she is slow in English so I need to translate it in tagalog, the problem is I am not good in tagalog. She told me she started at the age of 15, again it was not uncommon to me, I met girls as young as 7 years old in Cebu giving sex to old foreign guys.

I can read her motifs, she is zero that night and no customers. "Mahirap sa Manila, may curfew dito at stricto ang mga police sa amin, minsan nga dinadakip kami para makalabas kami hinahayaan nalang namin na magsex kami para makalaya kami. I raised my eye brows and said "really?!, Pag nakilala ko mga gagong yun, makikita nila pano magalit mga Cebuano!" to give here comfort. It was near 10:00 p.m and I said to her I must go to my boarding house, I asked her if she will be here the next night, she told me "Hindi [kami], nagiistambay ng isang lugar, dapat kami palipat lipat para makakuha ng daddy...wala kasi kaming mamasan na nagmamanage sa amin..." I laughed at her statement though I know she said it seriously, so I went on to find a jeep home...I looked at her heavy burdened face that manages to give me a smile, "Sana kuya magkita tayo uli sa panahon na nakakaahon na ako sa buhay para mapakilala ako uli sayo hindi bilang isang pokpok" she said, and I replied " Magkikita tayo, Pohon"(A mistake that confirmed my Cebuano Ethnicity).......and I know that night is the start of my new misadventures here in Manila. And I am expecting colorful happenings to come!